Keep your relationship vibrant by continually courting
I didn't recognize the couple in the pew in front of us. Then I realized it was because they weren't attached to any of their four kids.
Most recently they'd had an infant seat between them. But even before the baby was born it was rare to see them without one child or the other clutching one hand or the other, or asking for help with one thing or the other, or just pleading "look at me!"
They're great parents. Really. I've had a chance to watch them now for about four years. I admire the time they spend with their children, the sensitivity they show to their needs, the enthusiasm they show for their activities, the affection they display so freely.
What I got to see that morning, though, was their marriage. Their was a lot to admire there, too.
Do you remember what it was like when we were teenagers and we sneaked away with that special girlfriend or boyfriend? That's just what they reminded me of as they sat there together, shoulder to shoulder, hand in hand, heads together sharing some intimacy or the other. The smiles on their faces lit up the space around them.
They were courting. After all those years - and all those kids - they were still courting.
You know, all couples need to do that. And not just occasionally, but continually. No matter how long we've been together, how many kids we have, how demanding our jobs are, how involved we are with family and friends and remodeling and school and volunteer work, if we're going to have a living, growing, vital marriage we have to somehow keep alive that spark we kindled in those first, special, intense moments we so eagerly shared.
There are myriad barriers to such continual courtship. And not just the ones that I've mentioned above. Often what deters us has more to do with what's happening between us than what's happening around us.
Sometimes it's lack of practice. It may have been so long since we courted each other that we have simply forgotten how.
Sometimes it's anger. Unresolved conflicts - big or little - can create a barrier to intimacy which is hard to overcome.
Sometimes it's a matter of priorities. If the bond between us has weakened, then the pull of everything around us can be enough to make it hard to hold each other close.
Sometimes it's fear - fear of rejection, fear of failure, just fear of being close.
And sometimes it's because we've lost that special blend of love and like that made our original courtship so wonderful.
But skills can be relearned, conflicts can be resolved, priorities can be reset, fears can be overcome, and love and like can be found again. I've seen plenty of couples do it. And once we do, all those other things happening around us can't keep us from finding our own space - whether it's a church pew or luxury suite - to continually renew our courtship.
• The Rev. Ken Potts is a pastoral counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers, Naperville and Downers Grove.