Suburban couples raising multiple multiples

Beware silence.

When raising multiple sets of multiples -- that's right, two sets of twins, or twins followed by triplets -- a moment of silence becomes downright scary.

Ask Roseane Caboor of Schaumburg, who left just one of her two sets of twins quietly watching TV for 10 minutes to get a shower.

When she returned, the kids -- then 3 -- had opened a Costco pack of 18 eggs on the kitchen table, smashed slices of American cheese on top, then poured Hershey's syrup over the oozing mess.

More Coverage Links Two sets of twins a challenge and a joy [05/13/08]

"They're like, 'Mommy, we made you breakfast!' " Caboor recalls.

The problem with twins and triplets, she says, is "They feed off each other."

And that, well, can be good and bad.

Thanks to the use of medically assisted reproduction, the national birth rate for twins rose 70 percent from 1980 to 2005, the most recent year reported. The birth rate for triplets skyrocketed more than 400 percent in the 1980s and '90s.

Most recently, multiple births have leveled off since medical authorities recommended steps to curb higher order multiple births and their complications.

But many families are living with the legacy of multiple births, either due to fertility treatment or, because multiple births are also hereditary, through natural conception.

In response to that trend, the Daily Herald asked local parents to share their joys, frustrations and lessons learned from raising multiple multiples.

Each parent faced a startling moment of truth when they heard the news that they were expecting twins again. For many, that was the toughest, scariest moment.

"It was disbelief the first time, and the second time we were laughing so hard we were crying," Caboor said. "My husband just went, 'Here we go!' "

For Mary Pat Smith of Schaumburg, the news carried added weight.

After having twins, her husband told her they couldn't handle another set of multiples. Still, she had such trouble conceiving that their doctor urged them to implant three embryos, gambling that some wouldn't take.

Then came the ultrasound.

Her husband was the first to spot three hearts beating on the monitor.

"He's like, 'What's that down there?!' (pointing to the screen). He was so angry he didn't talk for the first two hours. Forty-five minutes into the drive home in our Passat, the first words out of his mouth were, 'What the heck kind of car are we going to fit five kids in?' "

After the initial shock, each couple followed one imperative -- they simply did whatever it took.

"People are like, 'I can't believe what you're doing, it must be really hard,' " West Chicago mom Carrie Dunfee said. "You just do it because you have to."

Divide and conquer

Raising two sets of twins means four times the diapers and bottles, four times the birthday presents, four times the temper tantrums and four times the bills.

So parents of multiples often seek out all the help they can, be it from friends, family, a baby sitter or a nanny.

Patty Sebahar of Naperville -- the mother of 9-year-old twin girls and 11-year-old twin boys -- cobbled together a variety of helpers to cover most days. Her mother came twice a week, her in-laws came a couple of times a week, her sister in college came one day, and her husband's cousin, a teacher off for the summer, also filled in.

Even having someone to talk to who's been there can be a big help.

That's why more than 400 clubs of parents with multiples have sprung up across the country. The Illinois Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs alone has 26 clubs with 1,500 members.

At DuPage Doubles, each new mom is paired with a "stork mom" who can answer questions and be the voice of experience.

The next step is to divide and conquer.

Because Dunfee -- whose twins are 3 and 6 -- is a school teacher, she helps her children with their homework; her husband plays with them outside.

Or couples will divide the children, attending to the younger ones first, then the older ones.

When it came to feedings and diaper changes, Mary Pat Smith's husband took their twins, and she took the triplets.

And they use specialization of labor. He washes and folds the clothes, and gets the school stuff taken care of; she makes sure all the day-care issues get resolved. He makes the lunches; she used to make the bottles.

When there were too many bottles used, she would clean and pour, he would mix the formula.

Having a schedule is key.

For some families, that means when one child eats, they all eat. When one gets a diaper changed, they all get changed.

"Otherwise," Mary Pat Smith said, "you'd get no sleep."

Still, Sebahar found out, children don't always comply with a schedule.

If you have a bad sleeper, you might get 24-hour periods when there's always a baby up.

Bed time for some is 7:30, so the parents have a chance for peace alone together.

When the kids are older, some parents insist they do their homework as soon as they come home from school, to be sure it's taken care of.

And when it's time to eat, they all have to eat the same food, because if you tailor a special diet for each one, you'll spend your life in the kitchen.

Still, for all the regimentation, parents say they are amazed at how different their children are.

Some are rebels, some are peace-makers. Some are quiet, others outgoing. But they all tend to look out for each other -- and even help out.

When Beth Symonds of Lombard had twin girls followed two years later by twin boys, each girl quickly adopted one of the boys as her own.

The girls were too young to be baby sitters, but they were eager extra hands to help get a diaper, a bib or clothes.

Double the love

Kellie McMahon, a mother of two sets of twins who lived in Wheeling and Arlington Heights before moving near Lake Geneva in Wisconsin, washes two loads of dishes and two to three loads of clothes each day.

That -- coupled with all the baths and showers -- gave her a monthly water bill of $350. The total was so high it scared away prospective buyers of her house.

She quit her job managing 401ks to be with her kids, and now uses her work skills to manage her day, calling it the most gratifying job she's ever had.

Her twins are like married couples who know just what buttons to push to make each other laugh or cry.

And they seem closer than many other siblings.

When 4-year-old Mason was crying, her twin Drew gave her a hug and said, "No matter what, I'm your best friend forever, so that should make you happy."

And like other mothers of multiples, McMahon has a thick skin about what people think.

"People in the store go, 'You poor thing,' and I say 'we're lucky.' And they look at me like I have 25 heads. You'd be surprised how many people are negative about it.

"My response has been, 'Whatever you're given in life you handle.' These are your children -- how would you not do it?"

Dunfee can also feel stares of people in public, wondering what she is doing out with two sets of young twins.

When her youngest were 3 months old, she had all her kids out with her Christmas shopping at a mall.

A woman came up to her and pointed to a disabled boy sitting in a wheelchair nearby and said, "My son wants you to know you are the luckiest person in the world because you have four beautiful children."

"It really made my day and is something I still remember, because it was really positive, rather than looking at me like, 'Why aren't you home?' That's probably my favorite memory."