Children and Divorce: Parents Must Put Kids' Needs Ahead of Their Own

Legal and mental health experts who specialize in working with divorcing families report that a 'happy' divorce can be somewhat allusive. This doesn't mean parents can't work toward the lowest-conflict divorce possible, and even create a 'new normal' that could create a positive outcome for the entire family in the long run. Moms and Dads who are contemplating, or going through a divorce, should remember their children's mental health, and even physical well-being, can be substantially affected by how a divorce is not only approached, but handled throughout the entire process.

Studies show that more than half of children whose parents are divorced - and who have experienced prolonged periods of high-conflict, developed negative psychological effects, in addition to physical ailments such as stomach problems, neurological challenges and even skin conditions. In a recently released longitudinal study, children of divorce are compared to their peers who do not share similar experiences, in a May 2017 report released by the Spanish Foundation of Science and Technology, and published in the European Journal of Education and Psychology (https://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2017-05/f-sf-pdi052417.php).

Both legal and mental health professionals agree that parents must put their children's best interests first, before their own - before, during and after a divorce.

"This task is far from easy for a parent who feels hurt and betrayed; it tests that parent's ability to truly put their children's needs ahead of their own," said Dr. David Finn, a psychologist who specializes in working with high conflict divorce families, and is regularly appointed by Chicago area judges to evaluate families involved in contested custody litigation.

Finn adds that at the very time the parents' worlds dramatically change, they should strongly convey to their children that their world will not change. "The expectations for children of divorce must be made clear and must, above all else, reassure them they are safe, they are loved, each parent does not hate the other, and that the divorce is not the child's fault," Finn said.

The legal landscape in the world of divorce took a sharp turn last year, when new divorce laws went into effect on January 1, 2016 in Illinois.

"We no longer use the terms custody or visitation. Instead, we now use more neutral terms such as 'parental responsibilities', which include both parenting allocation time, and the allocation of significant decision-making responsibilities," said Janet Boyle, who has practiced family law over 30 years, and is the co-founder of Boyle Feinberg, a family law firm based in Chicago's Loop, with offices in Arlington Heights.

Boyle explains one of the reasons for these and other changes, were to take the sting out of the words custody, visitation, and even joint custody.

"The hope is that parents will be able to allocate these responsibilities between themselves without the courts getting involved; both the time each parent spends with their children, and the decision-making for the child's medical, education, religion, extracurricular activities and the like can be shared between both parents," Boyle said.

The challenges in providing the best decisions, and ultimate care for children of divorce, begin when parents are unable to come to agreements, oftentimes due to the very reasons they are divorcing in the first place.

"When parents fight for custody, the children know, and they understand that conflict exists. Some children never recover and suffer severe psychological trauma in adulthood; some end up choosing one parent over the other and end up living a one-parent life, which can be damaging in a number of ways," Boyle added.

Because of the severe effects that high-conflict divorce can have on children, the Illinois state legislature went so far as to define caretaking functions each parent is responsible for, which can be enforced by a judge, if parents are unable to come to an agreement.

These legal requirements include what some would see as common-sense tasks, such as satisfying nutritional needs, managing bedtime and wake up times, caring for a sick child, washing, grooming and dressing them, helping them develop and maintain friendships, and scheduling or attending medical visits.

All of the above, and even more not listed, are actually assigned and monitored by a judge in unresolved, high-conflict divorces.

"Unfortunately, all too often one of the parents does not know how (or is unable) to do these things, and will still insist on 'equal' or significant parenting time," Boyle said. "One parent becomes the 'fun parent' because they see their role as fulfilling the 'play with your child' portion of the listed responsibilities. Kids need to know that there are similar routines at each of the family homes, with similar rules about behaviors."

Finn believes children also need to know that while the mailman may be travelling to two different households, the family that existed the day before the divorce is no different than the family that exists the day after the divorce.

Based on their years of experience, both Boyle and Finn strongly suggest parents make a specific point of putting their egos aside as part of the initial plan, when even considering divorce.

"It takes two parents to create a child, and each child is entitled to have those two parents to raise and nurture them," Boyle said.

Finn adds that children of divorce must understand their parents expect them to love the other parent and to maintain connections with siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents and other family and friends, regardless of which side of the family they come from.

Other ways that parents can put the best interests of the child first, are by letting them know that if they express positive feelings towards one parent, they should not worry the other parent will have hurt feelings. Instead, each parent should encourage strong relationships with every person who provides support and love to their child.

"These children need emotional security which is conveyed, in part, through the stability of their relationships," Finn said.

The overall message, both from the legal and psychological standpoints, is that while divorce does bring about different realities, they don't necessarily have to be looked upon as 'bad' realities.

Parents have a unique opportunity to show their children their lives can remain stable in spite of a divorce, simply by making that goal a top priority. Through true and balanced fulfillment of parenting responsibilities, encouraging children to maintain strong relationships with supportive family and friends, and by reassuring kids that divorce does not have to be a catastrophe, both Boyle and Finn have been able to observe what could be termed a 'happy' divorce through their years in their respective practices.

Though it may be a challenge, each of the expectations can, and must be conveyed through continual actions, and not just the words from parents, throughout the entire divorce process and beyond.

Look for the 2nd Part in this 4-part series soon: 'Taking the Right Steps to Avoid Negative Outcomes of Divorce'

ABOUT JANET BOYLE: Janet E. Boyle began practicing law as a Cook County Public Defender in 1978 before moving into private practice, and has exclusively practiced family law since 1984. She is the co-founder of Boyle Feinberg, which has offices in the Chicago Loop and in Arlington Heights. Janet is a trained arbitrator and skilled mediator, who has extensive experience in complex, high profile family latter matters and distribution of assets. She is active in several professional organizations, and has served on dozens of committees and spoken at bar association, law school and continuing legal education events. In addition to being a founding partner at Boyle Feinberg, Janet also serves as the Chair of the Northwest Community Hospital Foundation Board. She has been named one of the ten best Super Lawyers from the American Institute of Family Law Attorneys (AAML), a Leading Lawyer, and is a member of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. Janet is married, to an attorney, and together they live in Arlington Heights.

ABOUT DR. DAVID FINN: Dr. David Finn is a licensed psychologist with a practice in Palatine, Illinois and specializes in working with high conflict divorce families. He is regularly appointed by the Court to evaluate families involved in contested custody litigation and provides evaluations of domestic violence, parental alienation and relocation cases and has lectured extensively on these topics. Dr. Finn also serves as a consultant to attorneys seeking expert review of evaluation reports, and additionally, his practice provides an array of counseling services to children, adolescents and adults not limited to divorcing and divorced families. He recently initiated a comprehensive reunification program for families who are experiencing parent-child estrangement called Family Ties, a 12-week program with services for all family members. Dr. Finn lives in a suburb of Chicago with his wife and children, and is honored to be contributing to this important series.