Coach: Time to get outside and play? Hold up a sec

Clocks changed? check. Official start of spring a couple days away? Double check. Time to get outside and play? Umm, maybe put a hold on check No. 3.

I always said whoever blessed us with the famous quote "March comes in like lion and goes out like a lamb" needs to do a serious Chicago-style revision. March now comes in like a lion, leaves like a lion, and the waiting-in-the-wings April sits with teeth wide open ready to bite just as hard. That elusive "lamb" is not heard from till about mid-May - if we are lucky.

Maybe we will be fortunate and have an early, warmer spring this year. Maybe. But more often than not those of us who put away winter clothes in March are either new transplants to Chicago or perfect candidates to join the Hopeless Optimist Support Group.

At some point though, we will have our long-awaited chance to get outdoors and "play" again, and certainly the early warm spell we recently had has given us a little taste of just how recreation-deprived we have been. It has been a long dry spell indeed.

So with that bright thought close in hand, this week's column we take an inside look at what exactly "play" will be like when we finally do get to go outside. Will the rules and the feel of the games we play be affected by the still-in-place virus and health-related restrictions? Will this change the way we play?

I would guess the answer to be yes, and yes.

Let us dissect:

For instance, outdoor playgrounds in the parks could require a one person on the slide at a time rule, which we could give a huge "Good luck with that" to. With the playgrounds being closed to kids for almost a year, parents attempting to monitor slide usage in a controlled and safe fashion ... well, good luck with that.

On the outdoor basketball courts, the 6-foot-distance rule may still be in effect, allowing basically no one to be guarded. The bright side here is many who play the game recreationally hate the drudgery of actually having to play defense, so now they won't have to. Problem solved.

Exercises and calisthenics? No problem. But remember, no pushups. You'll be touching the ground full of germs. And no situps either, as the shirt on your back could pick up any kind of deadly virus, and later, when a coach or teammate pats you on the back for a job well done, they will now become a potential carrier. Can't be too careful.

Baseball or softball? Fine, but bring your own bat, and make sure you wipe it down after each use. Same with the baseballs which, of course, will cause painful delays. So, now the two-hour games that mom and dad used to sit through on freezing late afternoons becomes a lovely three-hour outing. But, hey, at least we're playing ball again!

Dodgeball. Everyone's favorite game in PE class. But will the fun be taken out if, before aiming at and viciously hitting your intended target, you have to first stop and use a disinfectant wipe? Kind of negates the thrill, no?

The always popular touch football might have to be revised to "Taser Touch Football." This should be fun. Each player will have a small Taser device in their hand that only works from a foot away. Instead of actually touching the runner, the defender simply pushes the button to effectively stop the ball carrier. Referees will know when said runner is "tagged" by the way his body suddenly twitches in an uncontrolled yet only mildly violent way.

Soccer? We don't want anyone touching the ball for fear of germs, so no out-of-bounds throw-ins allowed, and goalies will only be allowed to use their feet to make saves. Difficult, yes, but it does solve the problem of those low scoring 1-0 games.

Tennis? Singles, not doubles (too hard to enforce the 6-foot rule), and golf will be every man to his own cart, which will be good for virus protection but not so much for climate change or energy conservation).

5K, 10k and other special event runs? Good to go, but we will have to have staggered starts. Maybe 10 at a time with the faster runners in front. Those slow pokes in the back will be only be allowed to go at the very end, which is nice for safety, but lousy for sagging egos.

In a related note, the sport of track and field should be OK, except relay races. The challenging task of passing off the baton becomes even more challenging with runners trying to wipe the baton down with disinfectant, while running and then handing off to their teammate in mid-stride.

Finally? Simply playing catch with your son or daughter out at the park or in the front yard? Fine, just don't forget to bring a glove ... for both hands.

Some oddities to the games we love to play, for sure, but at least we will be outside playing again.

• Jon Cohn of Glenview is a coach, retired PE teacher, sports official and prep sports fan. To contact him with comments or story ideas, email jcsportsandtees@aol.com.