Lincicome: Answers to important questions for new Bears GM, coach
Before being asked, I am withdrawing my name from consideration as new head coach/general manager of the Bears. I don't want any angry tweets or emails. No media alerts, no news conferences, no begging. The answer is no.
As George McCaskey's blue ribbon panel of football whisperers thumbs through the unusual suspects, it is only a matter of time until they get to the media, which is a polite designation for those of us who remember O.J. Simpson the football player.
It would be unkind to characterize those candidates considered already by McCaskey, et. al., as the Dirty Dozen or the Seven Dwarfs, but, for the record, my favorite has always been Sneezy.
Oh, it isn't that I couldn't do either job or that I have any concern about following a soup line of failures, but I would rather help find the right Bears Pair.
So, as a public service for the next general manager/head coach of the Bears, here are the answers to all the really important questions about one of the least appealing jobs in football.
Q. How hard is it to follow the Bears' decision making on new leadership?
A. Like following snail spor.
Q. Isn't it better to hire the general manager first so that he can hire the coach he wants?
A. This is the which came first chicken-or-egg dilemma, or in the case of the Bears the punt-or-fumble.
Q. Is it better to look at a college coach, an untried NFL coordinator or a veteran, successful head coach with an impressive resume?
A. Whichever one doesn't laugh.
Q. Isn't the most important consideration who can best develop quarterback Justin Fields?
A. This is the silk purse/sow's ear dilemma, but applying also is the old proverb "Mighty oaks from little acorns grow unless the acorn is a buckeye."
Q. What one aspect of the game, other than teaching blocking to the offensive line, should the new coach give most of his attention?
A. The journey of a thousand yards begins with a handoff to David Montgomery.
Q. Which is more keeping with the Bears image, to hire a flamboyant coach who will upstage his general manager and his players or one who will blend in and keep things low-key and dignified?
A. The next coach will matter as much as a duck blind does to a duck.
Q. What will be the most difficult adjustment for the new Bears coach to make?
A. Deep dish pizza.
Q. What does "a fresh direction" mean, anyway?
A. Upwind of Wisconsin.
Q. The new Bears general manager must have new ideas. Wasn't the last new idea in football to wear the pads under the shirt?
A. Throwback jerseys, camo fatigues, instant replay and ESPN are all worse.
Q. What can they say about the next coach they haven't already said about Matt Nagy?
A. What a funny guy.
Q. Should the new coach be concerned about Chairman George McCaskey identifying Fields as "the player at the quarterback position?"
A. More astounding is McCaskey knowing which position is the quarterback.
Q. Aside from winning, of course, is there one thing that will keep Bears fans happy?
A. Brats with mustard and kraut.
Q. What is the best qualification to have on a coaching resume to get the Bears job?
A. Will work for earmuffs.
Q. What is the best way to handle obnoxious, abusive fans?
A. Stay out of Green Bay.
Q. Is the Bears offensive talent cupboard bare?
A. No. Slow, inept and hopeless takes up a lot of room.
Q. Are the Bears under or overachievers?
A. Not lately.
Q. Doesn't getting new leadership always mean getting new uniforms, too?
A. Not in this case since the old ones barely have been soiled.
Q. What is the one thing a new coach could do to address the Bears' lack of offense?
A. Have a preprint of alibis.
Q. How likely will it be that the Bears will compete for star free agents?
A. The Bears have a policy: The best free agent is the first guy to say yes.
Q. How important is the NFL draft for the next general manager?
A. None. It was already used up by the last one.
Q. Is the secret to job security for the next Bears coach not to become more beloved than the McCaskey family?
A. Cauliflower is more beloved than the McCaskey family.
Q. What can the next head coach do to best reach the Super Bowl?
A. Be Bill Belichick.