Lincicome: Next Bears coach needs to have the right answers
About as deep into the Matt Nagy Torture Era as the Bears need to go, it is obvious that a new coach is not only inevitable but mandatory.
At the urging of everyone from the Bears players to the DoorDash delivery guy, the Bears must seriously search for a new coach. Everyone would appear to be a candidate, including the DoorDash delivery guy.
Wanting to help, I have prepared a simple test to be given that will determine just how sincere and how well suited the new coach will be for the job of directing the local pro football franchise to its natural place in the NFL hierarchy.
Thus, I have devised 20 questions any prospective coach must be able to answer if he is the man the Bears should truly have. Every question must be answered accurately. Neatness counts.
To make it easier on everyone, I have made them multiple choice.
1. The reason you want to coach the Bears is (A) There is a fine nucleus of players to build on. (B) There is no place to go but up. (C) The Jets wouldn't return your phone calls.
2. Which of the following best describes your chief qualification for coaching the Bears? (A) I can get practice footballs wholesale. (B) My widowed mother needs surgery and my landlord has put my furniture on the sidewalk. (C) I have never heard of Germain Ifedi or Khyiris Tonga.
3. What is the first thing you will do as coach of the Bears? (A) Hire new assistants. (B) Redesign the uniforms. (C) Make sure my creditors don't get my new address.
4. When you look at a17-game schedule that includes the Packers twice, the Cowboys and the Patriots, et. al. do you (A) See it as a great challenge? (B) Play them one game at a time? (C) Restock the hemlock?
5. Which do you consider the greatest contribution of Chicago to the world? (A) Deep dish pizza. (B) The mail order catalog. (C) The crying towel.
6. The Bears' fight song is (A) "Sweet Home Chicago." (B) "Help Me Make It Through the Night." (C) "taps."
7. No Bears' game is ever over until (A) The Fat Lady sings. (B) The national anthem is played. (C) The big hand is on the ...
8. Your coaching philosophy can be best described as (A) Let 'em play. (B) I am the boss. (C) It's not my fault.
9. What would you do with Justin Fields? (A) Trade him to Atlanta for a new clipboard. (B) Become his roommate. (C) Cut his meat for him.
10. To be a successful coach in the National Football League, you need to have (A) Tom Brady and a creature named Gronk. (B) A headset that works. (C) A hoodie and a scowl.
11. The biggest problem facing pro football today is (A) Pernicious drug use. (B) Throwback uniforms. (C) Aaron Rodgers' ego.
12. The Bears' pregame prayer is (A) "Our Father." (B) "Give Us This Day." (C) "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep."
13. The greatest moment in Bears' history (A) Was the night in 1986 in New Orleans when the Bears won Super Bowl XX. (B) The afternoon in 1975 when Walter Payton was drafted. (C) Will be their first.
14. The Bears' team colors are (A) Blue and orange. (B) Black and blue. (C) Whatever Jeff Joniak is wearing.
15. The Bears' team mascot is (A) The grizzly. (B) The dodo. (C) George McCaskey.
16. All the great Bears' quarterbacks (A) Have been overpaid. (B) Are still in kindergarten. (C) Laid end to end wouldn't surprise anyone.
17. The Bears' first draft choice ever was (A) Joe Stydahar. (B) Dick Butkus. (C) An omen.
18. During timeouts, do you (A) Position yourself so you are facing the TV camera? (B) Cover your face with a play chart? (C) Try not to get caught reading chapter 3 of "Football for Idiots?"
19. George McCaskey and Ted Phillips are known as (A) Chairman and grandson. (B) Bears' president and CEO. (C) The double doink.
20. The stadium where the Bears play football is called (A) Soldier Field. (B) The Eye Sore on the Lake Shore. (C) The Last Resting Place.