Constable: Love and sex in the time of coronavirus can be awkward

Clear, honest communication is key to any healthy relationship. So Dr. Kimberly Harden put some thought into making this Valentine's Day sex advice suitable for a family newspaper.

“It would be awkward, yes, but ideally, you should keep your mask on and entertain positions where you're not face-to-face,” the doctor says.

It's just another example of how much this pandemic has changed the traditional romantic notions for those looking to connect.

To be perfectly safe from the coronavirus, people could “chill out and take a year off dating,” says Harden, a family practice physician with Rush University Medical Center. “But that doesn't work. Just not dating and being celibate is not going to happen.”

Humans need to make connections. “The fact that we're in a pandemic is going to make people feel alone even more,” Harden says. And they have found ways to connect.

The founder of the dating app Bumble became a billionaire Thursday when her company's initial public offering surged 63%, a sign that people are using dating apps, notes therapist Matthew Vail, manager of social work services and patient navigation for Affirm: The Center for Gender, Sexuality and Reproductive Health at Rush University Medical Center.

A half-century ago, Barbra Streisand told us that, “People, people who need people, are the luckiest people in the world,” and she had a point. Just as people still dated during the AIDS epidemic that began in the 1980s, people will still date during our current coronavirus pandemic.

“The truth is, it's a risk,” Vail says. But Harden says people can greatly reduce that risk.

“The first question on dating profiles should be, 'Are you willing to quarantine before meeting?'” she says. Both partners also should get a negative rapid test that is confirmed by a more accurate PCR test, the doctor recommends.

At some point, it becomes a matter of trust.

“How trustworthy is this person?” Vail encourages couples to consider.

“Do I know this person well enough to break my bubble?” adds Harden.

Online dating is “actually paying off,” Harden says. “They are getting to know each other better. People tend to be braver if they're not being face-to-face. I literally can disconnect from the call. I can block you. People tend to be braver with their conversations.”

People ask questions.

“It's not just, 'Who are your other sexual partners?' It's, 'Are you going to work? Are you getting groceries?' The questions have gotten a lot broader,” Vail says.

“I don't think you need to know who he's held hands with, but you need to know what kind of exposure he's had,” Harden says. “And it's not always sex. Intimacy takes different forms.”

A simple hug can help romance blossom, but couples need to set boundaries. “If the mask is going to come off, you need to have conversations first,” Harden says.

Fully vaccinated, Harden says she was with a group of masked, socially distancing friends at a restaurant and learned a dentist at another table also had been vaccinated. “We decided, with our masks on, to meet in the middle and high-five,” she says, noting that she immediately returned to her table and took advantage of the hand sanitizer.

Harden, 38 and single, is going to a friend's house for a Valentine's dinner. Vail, 35, who moved in with his partner during the pandemic, says they'll cook dinner at home. Asked what he did last Valentine's Day before all the pandemic changes, Vail pauses.

“I really don't remember,” Vail says. “That was 20 years ago.”