How happiness can be more an attitude than emotion
In one of those never-ending battles to keep my then 4-year-old daughter entertained on a long drive, I found myself resorting to teaching her some of the camp songs I learned when I was a child.
As the car windows were up, other motorists and pedestrians in the vicinity missed our impromptu duets (or were spared, depending on your point of view), but we enjoyed our home entertainment.
Amy's favorite song turned out to be an old audience participation tune. It starts out, "if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands." The second verse moves on to "if you're happy and you know it, rub your head," or "tickle your tummy," or "wiggle your ear," or whatever you can come up with.
After 15 minutes of hand-clapping, head-rubbing, tummy-tickling, and ear-wiggling, we were both tired and hoarse. Luckily for my voice, Amy soon fell asleep.
As I drove, it struck me that we really were happy as we sang. But that happiness hadn't just been a feeling that came over us out of the blue. Our happiness was more of a decision, an attitude, than an emotion.
We could have spent the drive getting on each other's nerves (Are we there yet?" "No, and you just asked me that five minutes ago!") and both been pretty miserable. We didn't do that; rather, we chose to be happy together.
I've always been skeptical about such clichés as "the power of positive thinking," "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade," or the old "to every dark cloud there's a silver lining."
People who are always happy bother me (and worry) me. But as I pondered my experiences, I realized that many times I could choose to be either happy or miserable in a situation.
Victor Frankl, chronicling his World War II concentration camp experiences, writes in "The Search for Meaning" that there seemed to be two distinct ways of dealing with the deprivation, persecution and terror of the camps.
Some people seemed so overcome by their situation that they literally chose to die of depression. Others, Frankl relates, seemed to rise above their horror-filled imprisonment and chose to be happy, reaching out to encourage and uplift those around them.
The prison guards could decide every detail of these people's day-to-day existence, even their life and death, but the guards could not control these people's attitudes. The prisoners alone determined how they reacted to their situation.
Most of us will be spared dealing with a situation as overwhelmingly desperate as the concentration camps. Our crises will be less spectacular, but, in the long run, they too can make us miserable.
When your spouse forgets what that last check was written for (for the third time this week), when the car stalls again in the middle of the intersection at 95th and Western, when your boss forgets to give you that "must be typed and mailed today" letter until 4:59 p.m., or when your teenager tells you that you'll hardly notice the dent in the new car ("and anyway, you should see the other guy's car") you can choose your response.
You can decide to be depressed and miserable, and add a little misery to the lives of those around you. Or, you can decide to make the best of things and, though perhaps momentarily be angry or upset, add some happiness to the situation.
Take some time to think about that. In many situations, you can decide whether to make things better or worse - for yourself and for those around you.
You can fuss and fume at your spouse for messing up the checking account, or you can sympathize with his own frustration and embarrassment. You can blow your stack at your accident-prone teenager, or you can make sure she's OK and work out with her how she can take responsibility for getting the car fixed.
You can decide in a situation what you want to be - a plus or a minus. "If you want to be happy, and you know it ..." It's your choice.
• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaracare Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."