Lawyer not the best way to get your spouse's attention

She: "I saw a lawyer today."

He: "What about?"

She: "You know what about. I can't take this any longer."

He: "Take what? What are you talking about?"

She: "We've both been unhappy for a long time. But you won't even talk about it. Well, maybe now you'll listen to me!"

He: "But ..."

What's the old line about hitting a mule over the head with a two‑by‑four to get its attention? It works, but we can sure kill a lot of mules that way.

Going to a lawyer to signal our frustration with our marriage is rather like bringing out a two‑by‑four. It gets the message across, but it can end the marriage in the process.

Marital law, and the lawyers who practice it, are part of what is basically an adversarial system. The law is designed to deal with the ending of a legally contracted relationship. It focuses on such matters as the division of property, financial requirements, and child custody.

What we commonly call "divorce lawyers" are trained to, and ethically required to, put their own client's interests first.

They are not supposed to assist their client's spouse, work as a divorce mediator, or attempt reconciliation (there are lawyers who do this, but they are required to get special training and call themselves mediators, etc.).

Initiating such an adversarial relationship, which is exactly what we do when we go see a lawyer, is hardly a step toward rebuilding our marriage. In fact, a good lawyer will tell us just that.

I regularly see couples referred to me by attorneys who have recognized that their clients are not seeking to dismantle their marriages, but, rather, to put them back together.

Of course, if we don't use our legal two‑by‑four to get our spouse's attention, then how do we convince him or her that our marriage is in trouble?

First, I'd suggest we simply sit down, face to face, and confront our spouse with our feelings and thoughts. Turn off the TV, send the kids to the family room, put down the newspaper, look him or her in the eyes, and say "we've got a problem." When we do this, it's a good idea to also affirm our love, and our commitment to the marriage.

If that doesn't work, I suggest we get professional help. Often a good marriage and family therapist can help us convince our spouse that there is a problem, and can work with both of us to solve it.

"I saw a lawyer today." If we're considering taking such a step, perhaps we should first ask ourselves: why?

If our intention is to let our spouse know just how hurt and angry we are, or if we believe our marriage needs help, but don't know where to turn, the lawyer's office is in the wrong direction.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaracare Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."