Cope with change by embracing the chaos

What is upsetting, frightening and anxiety producing?

Change. Especially change we do not seek, initiate, or control.

What is certain, constant and unpredictable?

Change. And especially change we did not seek, initiate, or control.

I don't know if it's a trend, but it seems to me that more and more people I see as a therapist are struggling with change. A marriage fails, a child acts up, a health problem develops, a job is lost, a loved one dies.

And we are perhaps a bit dumbfounded that life has delivered such a package without our planning for it. It is almost as if we'd like to say, "Excuse me, but this is not what I ordered. Would you please take it back?"

When it comes to change, however, life does not seem to have a return policy. And so we have to deal with what we've been given.

This was not the way it was supposed to be. Our American mythology insists we are in control of our lives. The television we grew up with suggested that if you just did the right thing everything would be fine. Marry the right person, follow Dr. Spock (the pediatrician, not the Vulcan), drink your milk, work hard and it would all work out.

And if there were unexpected problems, they could neatly be solved in 30 minutes, with time out for commercials.

Well, it didn't work out quite the way we expected. In fact, I have yet to meet a person over the age of 40 who is not more than a bit surprised at the way his or her life has turned out.

This is not to say that such change is always bad. Most of us can point to any number of unsought, uninitiated and uncontrolled changes in our lives that have actually been for the better. But even the good changes are upsetting, frightening and anxiety producing at times.

I was at a seminar not too long ago at which the speaker intoned "Embrace the chaos!" At the time, I thought that was one of the dumber things I had heard in a while. The more I think about it though, the more I like the idea.

There are certainly some changes imposed upon us that we ought to resist with all our resources. Marriages can be saved. Children can be parented. Illness can be cured, injuries healed, disabilities overcome, health reclaimed.

There are, however, many changes that will come our way that we cannot resist. And, in such cases, perhaps we ought to "embrace the change."

In the midst of letting ourselves feel upset, frightened and anxious, we might also accept - even try to work with - the changes we find ourselves faced with.

No matter how unwelcome change might be, we still do have control over our response to change.

At least that's something.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaracare Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."