Why high school reunions make us feel ambivalent

The 50th high school reunion!

I had my first dream (nightmare?) about it the other night.

I've never actually been to a high school reunion. I haven't really kept in touch with many of my high school classmates. And, when it comes right down to it, I'd just as soon not be reminded of that time in my life.

I ran into an old girlfriend a few months ago, however, who convinced me that I should at least make it to the 50th reunion. Or perhaps I shouldn't say "convinced." Seems she hasn't been to any of our class functions either, so we made a pact: I'll go if she goes.

What is it that makes so many of us so ambivalent about these get-togethers?

It's not the schools. I've talked to people who've graduated from all kinds of places - suburban schools like Glenbard or Naperville Central, city schools like Gage Park or Lincoln Park, parochial schools like Ignatius or Marist, even schools in places with names like Farmer City and Amboy.

It's always the same. Though every once in a while I run into someone who really looks forward to their class reunion, more often than not people give me this pained expression and say something like, "I don't know. I guess I ought to go."

For some of us, I suspect our reticence has to do with a less-than-positive high school experience. We weren't athletes, cheerleaders, top students, budding actors or actresses, nor did we look like fashion models.

We didn't have any of the credentials required for membership in the "in crowd" (my daughter tells me now they're called the "pops" - as in "popular"). A lot of us felt like we just didn't fit at all.

On the other hand, a good many former star athletes and class leaders are not all that eager to get together with their high school classmates either. Research has suggested that often those of us who stood out in high school are less likely to be high achievers later. It is almost as if we peaked too early.

Actually, after 10 or 20 years, none of us have the sort of lives we dreamed about way back in high school. We've put on weight and lost hair, developed some wrinkles, failed at marriage, lost a job or two, or just "not lived up to our potential" (whatever that means).

It is not always easy to sit down with people we may not have seen for years, if not decades, and admit that things haven't exactly worked out the way we planned.

Which brings me to why I'll probably go to my 50th reunion.

When it comes right down to it, there is one thing all of us who graduated together way back then have in common. We've all had to deal with things as they are, rather than how we imagined them.

And though we have certainly had some successes, it is probably our failures that have most shaped our understanding of what life is all about. So, I guess I'm just curious to find out what we've all learned.

Maybe I'll see you there.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaracare Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."