Families tell us the role grandparents play in today's society

The role of grandparents seems to be constantly evolving. A hundred years ago, generations lived together on farms or in urban tenements and everyone pitched in to care for children, put meals on the table and maintain the home. After World War II, returning veterans and their wives often moved to new suburban homes and the wives took great pride in being "stay-at-home" mothers who kept house and played bridge.

Baby boomer women ventured into workplaces - often once their children went to school - and raced home afterward to pick them up from school or from after-school care, trying to do it all. Many had spent years and lots of energy on their educations and didn't want to waste that effort. Others knew they needed to add to the family income if they wanted to have nice things and send their children to college. A lucky few could count on grandparents to help care for their children when they worked, but in many cases, those post-World War II grandparents didn't approve of women working and felt that they had raised all the children they cared to raise.

Today, baby boomers' children are having children of their own - usually when they are already well-established in their careers. Few are leaving the workplace to stay home and care for their children.

While day care facilities are plentiful, they are also costly. So those baby boomer grandparents are stepping in to help. They remember the juggling they had to do when their children were young and they want to make things easier for their children.

And even when both parents of the newest generation are not working full-time, grandparents coveting "alone time" with those grandchildren are stepping in to provide loving care when the parents choose to socialize with friends.

We surveyed seven baby boomers/couples who routinely care for their grandchildren to get a picture of modern grandparenting.

Janet and John Hengtgen of Mount Prospect

We see our young grandson at least once a week, but sometimes more. We watch him once a week so both parents can work. Our son is an accountant and his wife is a customer service representative. We also volunteer to watch our grandson on weekends, so our son and his wife can have a night out. We hope we create memories that our grandson will recall fondly.

When our daughter and son were young, grandparents on both sides would baby-sit on the weekends if we had plans to go out, but I was a stay-at-home mom so we didn't need help weekdays.

We do not at all resent the time spent caring for our grandson. We enjoy it immensely. In fact, we wouldn't consider retiring out of state since our family and friends are all in the Chicago area. We would, however, consider going somewhere warm for a couple months in the winter.

Debby Donovan of Oak Park

We have one grandson who lives about 45 minutes from us. His mother is our daughter. I provide his childcare two days a week. They do pay me for most of the child-care hours, but it is a fraction of the hourly rate I earned before retirement.

Other than that we usually see him for special occasions such as his birthday or rare nights out or even overnights for his parents. Both grandparents have done a few emergency child-care events while his parents were working.

Both of his parents work about 45 minutes from home in different directions. Our daughter is a high school teacher, so during her summer break I usually go out one day a week so she can do errands, and I get to hang out with them. Our son-in-law does website development and can occasionally work from home.

When our children were young, our parents lived too far away to help with childcare. My husband worked full time, and I worked half time until my youngest was in fifth grade.

My in-laws were willing to do special event sitting. For example, we dropped the three children off at their home (two hours from ours) to continue on to a reunion or a weekend away. My mother-in-law once stayed with them for quite a while (five days?) so we could take a quick trip to Paris. They were aged 12-16 at that time. My mother, on the other hand, was six hours away.

Before I had grandchildren, my big fear was I would not have time to see them. I went part time in my long-term career and also took a part-time job in a new career. This was before our grandson was born. Then the opportunity to watch him two days a week for a small amount of pay came up and I was pleased to retire from my long-term career job while keeping the new part-time job.

Now that my grandson is in preschool, I wish my daughter could come up with in-town options so that he would not have to skip preschool if I want a day off. Her backup is in the town where she works. This has led to our taking three or four-day trips that might have been better with an extra day or two.

A new baby is coming this spring and I do not intend to provide regular day care for this one. Preschool means I do not have to pick our grandson up until almost 11 a.m., which allows me to sleep later than the 5:45 a.m. I was getting up to be at his home by 8 a.m. This works well because my other job involves night hours. I will, however, provide emergency care and will go visit the new baby. The current plan is that I will continue to care for the older boy two days a week while the baby goes to home day care near where his mom works. We will see how this goes. We have not talked about money, but I do not need the reimbursement as much as I did when the first baby was born.

Our son-in-law's parents also sit two days a week. And they have their daughter's two boys who are two years older and one year younger than our grandson, too. They think they can take on the new baby, too.

I have decided I need to appreciate and enjoy the relationship that my grandson and I have now. One of my regular days I picked him up at home because both of his parents had caught the stomach flu he had had a few days earlier. We drove to the library - about 15 minutes away. He cried the whole way "I want my mommy." I replied almost like a mantra: "Your mommy has the tummy troubles like you did. She will be fine. You will see her tonight." We got to the library and I went to get him out of the car seat. He said, "AMA." I said, "Yes, Honey." He said, "I love you."

I can't envision us ever moving to a retirement area far from our grandchildren. But I guess it depends on how hard the winters get. We do have one daughter in California.

Editor's note: Debby Donovan is a former writer for the Daily Herald and her husband, James Kane, is an editor for the Daily Herald.

Cindy and Rock Bork of Mount Prospect

We assist our son with the care of our 2½-year-old grandson every 17 days and many holidays and care for our 7-month-old granddaughter two days a week. We also see her with her parents on holidays.

Our son is a single parent, works in microelectronics at Northrop Grumman and currently lives with us. On the days he works, including weekends, we assist with our grandson's care including changing his diapers, feeding him and also making sure he naps and goes to bed at a reasonable time. This saves the cost of sending him to day care.

When our grandson is with his mother, he goes to day care, which gives him the socialization that every child needs. But it also makes him more susceptible to viruses.

Our daughter is married, a new homeowner and works three days a week at NorthWest Enterprises in Elk Grove Village to help with the finances and continue her career in sales and marketing. This is a perfect compromise for her: working three days a week and spending four days of quality time with her baby. And she doesn't have to worry about day-care germs. We watch the baby two days a week and her mother-in-law watches her one day each week.

We tend to our granddaughter's needs, like we do with our grandson. Our daughter drops the baby off at our house on her way to work and her husband drops the baby off at his mother's house on his way to work on the day she watches her.

We hope to provide a positive, stress-free atmosphere because we want the grandchildren to think of our home as a fun, happy place, where they always feel love and are welcomed. We want them to have happy memories - just like we have of our grandparents.

When our children were young, Rock's mother lived over three hours away and only helped occasionally when the children were toddler age or older. Cindy's mother lived a few suburbs away and helped on special occasions or when we couldn't find a sitter. But she had a busy social life and stated she "wanted to be a grandma, not a disciplinarian." Our grown children still talk about how Grandma's house was always a welcoming, loving and fun place to visit.

Now that it is our turn, we have found that being a grandparent is certainly more fun than being a parent! You don't worry about doing the dishes, having dinner on the table at 6 p.m. or throwing a load of wash in when all you want to do is nap because you are a sleep-deprived parent. As a grandparent, you soak in each smile and giggle, enjoy each stage of development and love each moment you have together. As we say to our grandson, "We get to play ALL day!"

We have never felt resentful about helping to care for our grandchildren. However, we have to admit that it was quite an adjustment to be tied down to a schedule again. We raised four children and then finally had the freedom to do what we wanted without worrying about our children's schedules.

Having grandchildren does not keep us from traveling or socializing. Communication among the families is important so that other arrangements can be made if we are traveling. And if there are conflicts, their siblings are willing to help, too.

We have talked about leaving Illinois, but would really prefer to downsize the house and travel in the winter. We would find it very difficult to be far from, not only our children, but our beautiful grandchildren.

Karen Boza of Aurora

I would guess that now that I am not working, I see my three grandchildren about twice a month. This can involve an overnight (one or two nights, unless my daughter and son-in-law are going on vacation, which was once a week plus!) or just a few hours.

My daughter is a stay-at-home mom, but I baby-sit when she has a doctor's appointment or something similar and her husband cannot be home to watch the kids.

When my four children were young, my parents made it very clear that they would not baby-sit should I decide to go back to work. In fact, when we announced our first pregnancy, my mother informed me that she would not be baby-sitting for me. She felt she was much too young to be a grandmother!

However, when I went into premature labor with my second child, she was more than happy to help out and offered to have us come live with them if I was released from the hospital before the baby was born.

Now that I am a grandmother, I have to say that I have enjoyed my time with my grandchildren tremendously! I honestly feel that I am building happy memories for all of us.

Retiring out of state would be very hard for me since I love spending time with them.

Dutch and Jan DeGroot of Mount Prospect

We help with our grandchildren as much as we can. We have three boys and they all have spouses or are engaged. All six of them work. Our three boys are a printer pressman, a head custodian at a school and a professional soccer coach. The spouses work as a retail store designer, school aide and advertising designer.

My wife and I share duties. We get one grandchild off to school every day. On nonschool days, her mother drops her off at our house and picks her up on her way home from work. We watch the 20-month-old three days a week - from about 10 a.m. to 6:30 p.m. In addition, we sometimes watch our step-grandchild, but we do not need to watch him as much because he does have other adults in his life who help.

When our sons were young, my wife's parents would baby-sit to let us go out for an evening. They would also occasionally keep them overnight. But they lived too far away to watch them on a regular basis and also did not want to watch them every day just so we could work. They felt they needed a break after raising their own seven children.

My mother, on the other hand, lived in Arizona. She had our oldest son come for a week to stay with her when he graduated from eighth grade. She would have done the same for the other two, but by the time they were that age, her health had declined and she was unable to do so.

Sometimes it is a bit overwhelming caring for the grandchildren, but with two of us we can tag team and usually don't have to miss out on too much. We are both retired. My wife retired a couple of years early, so she could help with the grandchildren. She wanted to be with the grandchildren more than she wanted to continue working. We feel very fortunate that our children live nearby. It doesn't get much better. If we did not have them near, we may have considered moving elsewhere.

I was raised mostly by my grandmother since my single mom had to support all of us. Consequently, my grandmother had a great deal to do with shaping who I am. I hope to have some influence on our grandkids, too, but do not in any way want to replace their parents, which is an important thing.

My spouse was a super mom to our kids and she does the same with our grandchildren. We enjoy watching the kids grow and develop. It is always entertaining when they are here with us. Their hugs and smiles are our greatest rewards.

Nancy Range of Des Plaines

I see my two grandchildren about twice a week. I care for my granddaughter twice a week in her home. The other three days she attends a day care. Since day care is so expensive, this helps trim the expense. Both of her parents work in the field of education. One is a teacher, the other is a social worker. On the days that I care for my granddaughter, her parents can run extra errands after work - not needing to rush to the day care to pick her up. On one of the days I am caring for my granddaughter, my other daughter's son is also with us.

When my children were young, I was a stay-at-home mom. I only did tutoring and some day care in my own home. I did not need my parents' assistance. However, once a week, before my children attended school, I would bring my children to spend the day with their grandparents. My children and my parents really looked forward to that very special day each week. Also during the summer, in their preteen years, my two children would spend a week at my grandparents home for a vacation. At least for me it was a vacation!

These days, I never resent the time spent caring for my grandchildren. Caring for and watching my grandchildren grow is a highlight of my week. These early years watching them go from crawling, to walking, to talking is such a joy. Everyday they say something precious and unexpected. They love you unconditionally.

I would definitely refrain from retiring out of state, especially in these early years. Every day they do something new, spontaneous, and unique and I would hate to miss it.

I am hoping that the closeness and respect we have developed during these toddler years will carry us through the challenging teenage years and beyond!

Jeanne Spina of Naperville

When my daughter went back to work as a preschool teacher after my granddaughter was born, I assisted with childcare full time Monday through Friday until my granddaughter was about 6 months old. I would drive to my daughter's home before she needed to leave for work.

Childcare is costly and it helped save money and allowed my granddaughter to remain in her home environment during those early months of her life. Now that she is older she goes to private childcare while my daughter is at work. And these days, whenever my daughter needs someone to take care of my granddaughter on nights or weekends, I happily volunteer, seeing my granddaughter about twice a week.

When I was a young parent, I was lucky. I was able to be a stay-at-home mom. My parents would not have been able to help with childcare, if I had needed it, due to the distance we lived from each other.

Those early days that I was able to spend with my granddaughter were very special and I am thankful that I was able to have that time with her. I enjoy every opportunity I have to care for my granddaughter on evenings and weekends and if she is home sick.

Those days help to build a special bond with my granddaughter, which my children didn't have with their grandparents when they were young. I will never retire out of state. I want to be close to my granddaughter to help with her care when I am needed.

I am hoping that by assisting with my granddaughter's care as she grows that we will build a special bond that will instill in her a strong sense of family throughout her life.