Work to resolve conflicts fairly and quickly

Conflict is a part of every relationship. It is a function of the interplay between two distinct personalities and an intimacy that requires some level of mutual decision making. The more different we are, the more decisions and choices we have to make together, the greater the probability of conflict.

Considering that it is often our differences that attract us to another person, and considering that most of us seek out close or intimate relationships with individuals we are attracted to, relational conflict simply can't be avoided. It can, however, be managed.

There are all kinds of strategies for dealing with conflict successfully. Whole books and courses are devoted to them. I want to touch on just two strategies here.

First, any resolution of conflict needs to be fair to all parties involved. Now, "fair" is an easy word to use but a difficult standard to apply. And even when we are sure we know what's fair, what seems fair to us may not seem quite so fair to somebody else.

There have been all kinds of rules for fairness suggested through the ages. One of the best is probably "treat others the way you'd like to be treated." Whatever rule we use, however, to successfully resolve conflict in an intimate relationship, we have to come up with a resolution both parties involved agree is fair. Needless to say, doing so is going to involve a lot of talking, listening, give and take, and compromise. It's also probably going to involve a lot of time.

Second, it is important we settle our differences as quickly as possible.

Now, "never go to bed angry" is certainly a cliché we've all heard more than a few times. As with a lot of clichés, however, it's actually sound advice and, in this case, good conflict management.

I think the older we get, the more we are conscious of the lost opportunities for closeness that unresolved or prolonged conflict involves. A missed night of cuddling, the neglected kiss goodbye in the morning, the stony silence over dinner - life is too short (I'll try to make that my last cliché this column, but the fact is, life is short). And spending one more minute, hour or day in conflict than is absolutely necessary is simply too long.

It almost sounds like I'm giving conflicting advice here. Settle our differences fairly, which takes time, but do it quickly, taking as little time as possible. So that brings me to my last point. We need to become skilled enough at conflict management that we actually can settle our differences fairly and quickly.

Developing skill is a matter of knowledge and practice. We want to develop a mutual understanding in our relationships of how to best manage conflict, and then we need to practice together such managing until we get good at it. I guess this takes us back to the books and courses I alluded to above, which might be good ways to pick up the conflict-management skills our relationship needs. But however we do it, we all need to finish our fights fairly and fast.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."