Tips for sending opposite sex children into the world
A high school football team jogs off the field after an impressive victory.
One young athlete, larger than life in his uniform, pads and helmet, is greeted by his mother, proudly wearing a jersey with his name emblazoned across the shoulders, and his girlfriend, stylishly decked out in school colors.
Mom gets a brief hug from her son; girlfriend walks off with him hand-in-hand.
A college freshman, home for the first time, waits with her parents for a table at a neighborhood restaurant. While Dad looks on - feeling somewhat neglected I'm sure - her attention is focused entirely on her new boyfriend, carted home along with the dirty laundry and bills. This could be a long dinner.
Moms and sons, dads and daughters, these are special relationships. Most parents will attest that raising an opposite sex child is somehow special. There seems to be more mystery, more intricate emotions, more of a problem with letting go.
Now, these are generalizations, of course. Certainly the reasons for such dynamics are incredibly complex. Yet most parents I talk to do report this sense of specialness.
Launching opposite sex children into the world of relationships is especially difficult. To no longer be the most important woman in our son's life, or the most important man in our daughter's life, is a real loss.
And it can be next to impossible to trust that another woman or man (especially one who seems just as childlike as our own so called young adult) will love, respect, and gently care for our son or daughter anywhere near as well as we do.
To be honest, our son's and daughter's other "loves" won't be as reliable, consistent, or skilled as we are in taking care of our children. We parents saw early on, perhaps in that first fifth-grade romance, just how fickle or clumsy their boyfriends or girlfriends would be.
Yet one of the most important jobs of a mother or father is to provide for our opposite sex child a safe platform from which to explore the world of attraction, romance and commitment. How do we do this?
Well, first, we need to curb our own feelings of loss or jealousy. Our job is to let go, not selfishly hold on to our sons and daughters.
Second, we need to affirm our children's growing into more adult like relationships. We want to notice and praise their becoming young men and women, their interest in the opposite sex, their efforts at exploring relationships.
Third, we need to set clear and age-appropriate parameters. When is pairing off vs. group dating appropriate? What is the difference between a friend and a "girlfriend" or "boyfriend?" What is acceptable physical intimacy, and at what age?
Fourth, we need to be there to sympathize, counsel and comfort our children as they experience the inevitable confusion, disappointments and failures of male/female relationships.
Mothers can impart an understanding of women, fathers can impart an understanding of men, that their opposite sex children may not be able to find anywhere else in their lives.
As our own adult experiences testify to, there is little in life as challenging as an intimate adult relationship. There is also little in life as rewarding. Perhaps this is the most important lesson we can teach.
• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."