Know your emotions so you can control how you deal with them

I'm a fan of those little sayings, quips and quotations that wind up on various business signs all over the city. As a writer, I admire the ability to say something clever or meaningful in a few well-chosen words.

Occasionally, however, I discover some of these "words to the wise" that are, at the least, a bit misleading if not totally mistaken. Recently, one in particular struck me as a good example of how such cleverly crafted words can still lead us astray.

"He who fears something gives it power over him." At first glance that certainly sounds logical enough. When we are frightened of some person, place or thing, it does seem like it has control over us. We can even imagine such a quotation being extracted from some best-selling "power of positive thinking" book or other sort of pop psychology offering.

There are two underlying assumptions behind the above saying, however, that bother me a bit. The first has to do with the role of fear in our lives.

Our quotable quote seems to imply that we are best off not being fearful of anything. Yet there are a good many things in life worth being afraid of. I am fearful of rabid dogs, tornadoes, nuclear weapons, cancer and a number of other things. These seem to me to be worth being fearful of.

Granted, my fears do not dominate my every waking moment or immobilize me. But they are there. If they weren't, I think I'd question my own sanity.

My second objection concerns the very nature of feelings. The statement in question seems to be based on the assumption that emotions can somehow be turned on and off at will. We should just decide not to be fearful.

It may sound good, but it's just not the way things work. Emotions arise spontaneously. They are usually rooted in our past experiences and thoughts, both of which we may or may not be aware of. And they are not controllable.

That doesn't mean we're out of control. If I am angry or content, sad or happy, fearful or confident, I can't control such emotions; they just are there. I certainly do control how I express them. And I can express these feelings constructively or destructively.

Of course, I have to be aware of my emotions to determine how I will express them. That's why people who try to deny or suppress their feelings do get out of control. The key is to be aware of our emotions, then express them in ways we decide are constructive.

Let's pull all this together. It seems we will feel fearful at times. And some things are certainly worth fearing. We always have the power, however, over how we deal with what we fear, and how we will express our feelings about it.

I guess that's not very quotable (and probably wouldn't fit very well on a display sign), but at least it's correct.

• The Rev. Ken Potts' new book, "Mix, Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement, and Remarriage with Children," will be available this spring.