Economy issues putting more stress on marriages

It's a day that Rob and Lin Braido would love to forget.

In the space of just a few hours one Friday in February, Rob Braido learned he'd been turned down for two full-time jobs and laid off from the part-time one he'd taken to make some extra cash.

The news hit the Barrington couple like a wrecking ball. Rob hadn't had steady work since the previous September. With the economy seemingly in free fall, the Braidos, who've been married for 17 years, began to wonder how long they could survive.

"My parents lived through the Depression, and they always taught me to be optimistic, telling me to 'pull myself up,'" Rob said. "But that day was a bad one. It was hard to see any bright side."

In what experts say is an all-too-common occurrence, the bad news created tension. Lin Braido, who manages most of their finances, said she felt the urge to blame her husband. Rob, meanwhile, held back from discussing the problem with his wife. His silence made Lin feel like the responsibility for dealing with the matter fell entirely in her lap.

"It was like everything was starting to snowball," Lin said. "First there was the job situation, then suddenly our marriage didn't seem like it was working. We were angry - I was angry. I started to wonder if anyone was listening to my prayers."

Even in the best of times, money can be a source of friction between spouses, marriage experts say. In a recession as deep as the current one, the topic can be lethal.

"A lot of people come to marriage with different viewpoints on money - how it should be spent and budgeted," said Michele Weiner-Davis, a relationship counselor and expert with an office in Woodstock. "People take the subject very personally, which is why it often leads to fights."

Brent Atkinson, a marriage and family therapist at The Couples Clinic in Geneva, said he's noticed a pronounced upturn in the number of couples seeking counseling since the start of the year, something he attributes in part to the economy.

"When anxiety is up, like it is right now, we tend to talk less and argue more," Atkinson said.

The good news is that none of this is inevitable. With hard work, spouses can overcome the stress caused by the economy and remain strong as a couple, experts say.

Weiner-Davis said one of the keys is communication. Couples in financial stress have to talk about their situation openly, and they also have to talk about happier things, she said.

"I encourage couples to set aside time they can spend together on fun things, even if they're not in the mood for it," Weiner-Davis said. "If you enjoy a date night, or just go for a walk together, you start to band together and stop viewing each other as opponents."

Atkinson said one of the keys is attitude.

"If you approach your spouse with the idea that he or she is dead wrong and you're dead right, you're not getting anywhere," he said. "State your viewpoint, yes, but then show equal regard for your partner's."

The Braidos said a change in both communication and attitude helped them get through their rough patch.

Rob Braido had a good job as director of product development for a medical company until December of 2007, when the company laid off all of its directors. The economy was stronger then, but it was difficult for Braido to find another job.

"I was 62 at the time, and there aren't tons of companies who want to hire people of that age," he said.

So Braido started his own consulting company, Visionary Consulting LLC, which did well through much of 2008. Then the economy tanked, and his work dried up.

Since then, Braido has taken jobs here and there, all the while looking for something steady. He thought he had some good prospects, but then came that infamous Friday when he heard all the bad job news.

"I was back to square one," he said. "It was awful."

During this time, his relationship with Lin had grown tense. Both were worried about their financial health. Both were angry about their job situation. And, it turned out, neither was communicating these feelings very well.

Eventually, things changed for the better. Lin said it started for her when she made the conscious decision not to blame Rob for losing his job.

"It wasn't easy, because the need to blame someone or something is a strong one," Lin said. "But I knew that this wasn't Rob's 'fault,' or mine, or anyone's. So I let go of that."

Rob said things started changing for him when he stopped holding back about how he felt.

"I thought that by not talking, I was 'protecting' her from something," he said. "I realized that's not right."

The Braidos started working together on their finances, and they made sure to take walks together, weather-permitting, so they could talk.

"It's like a download," Rob said. "You can get whatever's bothering you off your chest, and let your partner do the same. It feels great afterward."

Today, Rob is still on the hunt for a full-time job, preferably a product development management position in the medical industry, though he's looking at other industries, too. Lin works part-time in a Christian bookstore. Their financial situation remains difficult, but an emergency fund and careful budgeting have kept them afloat so far.

Marriage-wise, though, they say they're doing great.

"It's a tough time, like it is for so many people right now," Rob Braido said. "But now we feel like we're going through it together."