The doctor is in, but he's not saying much

Dr. Strangelovie was at it again Monday.

Anyone who arrived expecting him to appear at a news briefing with a white smock, black bag and detailed medical charts on Kyle Orton would leave critically ill.

First, Bears coach Lovie Smith brought up Sunday's "big victory," the "good things that happened," the "running game" and the "second-half defense."

Finally Smith acknowledged, "You guys want to talk about injuries."

Yes, so why did you bury the lead?

"I'm not going to play doctor," Smith insisted. "You shouldn't either."

Maybe we should be grateful Smith didn't review "High School Musical 3" before getting around to the day's hot topic: The minor matter of Orton's mangled ankle.

"You know how we talk about injuries on Monday," the non-medical doctor said.

Regrettably we do know. We agonizingly know. We know Smith dispenses medical information like the old Soviet Union shared military secrets.

In other words, the Bears are the anti-Cubs. The Cubs accommodate inquiring minds on injured players before doctors even know which body part is aching.

Smith doesn't play that game. He plays his own game, which is to not reveal anything for 72 hours or until amputation is performed, whichever comes first.

The obligatory seven TV cameras were propped up in the Halas Hospital, er, the Halas Hall media workroom in anticipation of news on Orton's ankle.

When Dr. Strangelovie kept them waiting, the assumption was he either was performing surgery or reviewing MRI results. An update on the Bears' quarterback would have to wait, wait and wait.

Even though ESPN reported that Orton will be out a month with a high-ankle sprain.

"Kyle took tests this morning," Smith said, "and he has more tests to take."

The Bears' coach wouldn't even add whether they were Rorschach tests, IQ tests, SAT tests, driving tests or actual medical tests.

"We're not going to talk about injuries more than that," Smith said.

Perhaps Smith wants to wait until the victim's family is notified. Or maybe he just wants to play the game coaches play.

At least Smith didn't lie to you through us. When asked about the ankle, he didn't say Orton's inner ear is clogged.

But the obvious question was, do the Bears really not know Orton's condition yet, or do they simply not want the rest of the free world to know?

Nobody asked the obvious because nobody wanted to hear Smith obviously dance around on Orton's bum ankle.

So the game went in another direction: Is the diagnosis different from a sprain?

"It's an ankle injury," Smith repeated. "That's all I'm going to tell you. I'll tell you more (at practice) on Wednesday."

Another attempt was made to make Smith's pipes leak: Will you bring in another quarterback to fill out the roster?

"If we do that," Smith said, "it will be saying Kyle will be out a long time. We're not there. We're evaluating an ankle injury. That's all we're doing now."

So that's where it stands. All we can do is check TV listings to see whether "House" or "Grey's Anatomy" is scheduled before the next briefing Wednesday.

Maybe one of them will air an episode titled "An Extra-Orton-ary Ankle."

Featuring a guest lecture by Dr. Strangelovie.

mimrem@dailyherald.com