All kids try lying as a strategy during their growth

Kids lie. All kids at one point or the other in their growth and development go through a period when they try out lying as a strategy for dealing with real or potential conflict in their environment.

Parent: "Did you brush your teeth?"

Child: "Ah ... yeah, sure." (Well, actually, I forgot, but I don't want to get up from the TV.)

Older sibling: "Who ate my last piece of pizza!?!"

Younger sibling: "Wasn't me!" (I love doing that to him!)

Schoolteacher: "Do you have your homework?"

Student: "My computer broke; I couldn't type it. (Really, I need extra time.)

Coach: "How come you missed practice yesterday?"

Team member: "I was really sick." (I forgot.)

Piano teacher: "You don't seem to have progressed all that much this week."

Fledgling musician: "I practiced, but this is hard for me." (I just don't want to take piano lessons.)

I'm sure we could all add to this list from our own experience. No matter how assertive, how consistent, how persuasive we are in teaching our children the basic moral imperative of truth telling; sooner or later they all try lying. And it drives us parents nuts.

Lying as a conflict management strategy is different from not knowing something, or from not knowing the difference between telling the truth and lying. Very young children in particular will fill in the blanks in their knowledge by saying whatever comes to mind. Fantasy and reality are not a differentiation that these children have the ability to make yet. They are not lying, they are just letting their imaginations play.

Somewhat older children have more knowledge, but lack the developmentally based ability to know the ethical difference between a lie and the truth. Their goal is to say what they believe we want to hear because they want to please us. There is no effort at deception since they have no concept of deceit.

Lying involves knowing what the truth is (knowledge), knowing that it is important to tell the truth (ethics), and still choosing to do otherwise. Most children do not have the capacity to make such a choice until ages 8 or 9, and often later.

Even at that point, lying is normal. Kids at this age try out lying to see if the consequences of lying are better or worse than the consequences of telling the truth. It is our job as parents to help them understand that, as unpleasant as the cost of telling the truth might be, the cost of lying is ultimately greater. We are teaching children a lesson in values. We are not confronting some moral deficit on their part.

I suggest to parents that we have to approach educating our children about truth telling from four different perspectives:

1. Cognitive - we need to explain to them how crucial personal integrity is and how being caught in a lie, which will happen sooner or later, can diminish if not destroy that integrity. We want to talk to them calmly, patiently and use examples from their own experience with others who have lied to them.

2. Emotional - "disappointment" is one of our most powerful parenting tools. We want to instill in our children a sense of guilt at their inappropriate behavior. At first this comes from us when we need to tell them we are disappointed, sad and hurt that they have lied. Eventually they will feel disappointment in themselves and guilt at their lying. We don't want to overdo it, though. Remember, trying out a lie or two or three is normal. These are good kids just behaving badly.

3. Behavioral - we can reward truth telling. We can praise them when they tell the truth. We can lessen the consequences of misbehavior if they are truthful in admitting to it. And though reward changes behavior more effectively than punishment, we do need to gently punish lying when we find it.

Of course, to know when our children are telling the truth or lying we need to do a spot check every now and then. Taking a look at a child's tooth brush, reviewing their assignment notebook, or calling a coach, are all important behaviors for parents.

4. Spiritual - if we are involved in a particular faith community, that religious tradition will offer certain standards for truthfulness and tools for teaching these standards. All major religions agree on the destructiveness of lying.

Kids lie. All kids lie. Our job as parents is to help them become adults who don't.

• The Rev. Ken Potts is a pastoral counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers, Naperville and Downers Grove. His book, "Take One A Day," can be ordered at local bookstores or online.