Parents: Remember you were kids once, too

“The wisaster . . it tried to get me!”

My son's cry echoed down the hall. His eyes were filled with tears as I lifted him from his bed and tried to comfort him.

I was pretty good at translating my son's unique language, but this time I was more than a bit confused. It took a while for me to finally figure out that “wisaster” was “disaster,” and that Alex was identifying with a character in his favorite book who was “afraid of a disaster.” The “wisaster,” according to my little boy, was hiding under his bed just waiting to grab him.

PARENTING OPTION 1: Explain, using my best adult logic, that disasters are not animate objects that hide under beds. PARENTING OPTION 2: Scold my son for waking up again for such a silly reason and tell him to get back to sleep. PARENTING OPTION 3: Empathize with how scary things can be at night and tell the wisaster to #8220;go away right now#8221; because #8220;Dad won't let you bother Alex.#8221;

The bank thermometer read 40 degrees. The young teenager waiting beneath it for the bus was wearing shorts and a T-shirt. That evening, when I described this scene to my own teenager-in-residence, she admitted she had been dressed similarly that day.

PARENTING OPTION 1: Calmly instruct my teen on the dangers of such exposure to the cold, and specify for her exactly what clothing I expected her to wear in such situations. PARENTING OPTION 2: Give her a piece of my mind about how stupid kids are, how she didn't have to do what everyone else did and how it would serve her right if she got good and sick. PARENTING OPTION 3: Let her know I remember how important it is to #8220;fit in#8221; when you are a teenager even sharing some of my own efforts to do so and discuss what she might wear that would be both #8220;in#8221; and warm.

The parents in my office expressed their concern for their 23-year-old: out of college for a year, living at home, no job, no plans and seemingly rather confused about what it means to be an adult.

PARENTING OPTION 1: Lay out for this young adult exactly what she must do and how to do it. Explain that her questions about directions and meaning in life are superfluous to the #8220;real business#8221; of getting along in the world. PARENTING OPTION 2: Tell her unless she gets her act together soon you'll kick her out and let her fend for herself, because you had to when you were her age; or if she is so lost, she should just go and get married; or feel sorry for her and try to ignore her dilemma, maybe give her free room and board and spending money. Sooner or later, she'll grow up. PARENTING OPTION 3: Sit down with her, listen sympathetically to her concerns. Ask her what she believes she ought to be responsible for. Share your beliefs, and work with her on a specific, time-limited contract that incorporates both her opinions and yours on what she needs to do about such things as room and board, household tasks and independent living. Reaffirm your love for her and belief that she will work things out in time. A good hug would help, too.

One of the easiest things to do as a parent is to forget what it is like to be a child. Too often we look at the lives of our 3-, 13- or 23-year-olds solely through adult eyes. We respond to them as though they were adults who should know better, or we let our own impatience and frustration with their childish behavior get the better of us.

Yet, our children need neither our adult #8220;shoulds#8221; nor our emotion-laden criticisms and demands. What they do need, always, is a sympathetic hearing, our understanding and age-appropriate limits and expectations that call upon them to take as much responsibility as they can handle.

If it sounds like such a parenting response might be a bit hard to figure out at times, it is or at least it is for me. As parents, we are always learning, always getting on-the-job training. We'll never get it #8220;right.#8221;

Often, however, just remembering that our children are children, and perhaps even trying to recall that we also once were children, can be a big step toward the sort of positive parenting response that I am suggesting. In the meantime, watch out for #8220;wisasters#8221; under the bed.