Having 'the talk' with your child has gotten complicated

Is your preteen already developing sexually?

In the 19 century the onset of puberty occurred at around age 18. In the later part of the 20th century it is not uncommon for this psychosexual transition to begin in 11- and 12-year-olds.

Is your teenager sexually active?

In a poll conducted by Planned Parenthood, an estimated 4 percent of 12-year-olds were found to have had sexual intercourse already. As the respondents' age increased, so did the percentage who were sexually active - 46 percent of 16-year-olds had experienced intercourse at least once.

Is your 25-year-old still in school, not yet settled in job, single and living with his girlfriend but with no plans to get married?

Census statistics show that the age at which young adults "settle down" has changed significantly in the last few decades.

What's going on here?

It seems that, slowly but surely, the way our young people become adults - especially sexual adults - is changing.

A number of trends are working together to create a dilemma for our children, and for us parents, too.

First, a number of changes in our society are working to delay adulthood and marriage. For example, we require more years in school before our children can enter the work force. And most entry level jobs pay too little for young adults to live on their own, let alone support a family. And the divorce rate (especially among couples in their late teens or early 20s) is such that many young adults are justifiably cautious about getting married.

On the other hand, our children's psychosexual development is changing just as dramatically. With the improvements in the health and nutrition of our children, their bodies develop sexually at a younger age. And with the rampant sexual themes played out in all areas of our culture - from television and movies to selling blue jeans or beer - their awareness of sexuality occurs at a much younger age than previously.

Together, the above trends mean that our children are ready to be sexually active long before they are ready to be married. And as many of us believe that sexuality is best expressed in marriage, we put our children in a seemingly impossible dilemma.

Now, I have no easy answers to all this. And one "easy" answer that is often suggested - limit our children's awareness of human sexuality to little more than "just say no" - has been repeatedly shown not to work. Statistically, the less sex education adolescents have, the more likely they are to be part of a premarital pregnancy or contract a sexually transmitted disease.

Nor do we want to go back to the days when most of us got married straight out of high school. Likewise, we cannot turn back our children's biological clocks. And as long as we value free speech, we will need to be very cautious about any restrictions we put on sexual themes in our various media.

If there is an answer to this dilemma, I think it requires that we parents make some changes.

First, we parents need to become comfortable in talking to our children about sexuality. For those of us who are uneasy with such talk, we may need to do some work on learning what to say and how to say it. There are some good resource books available for parents; we need to read a few and then practice what they suggest.

Second, we want to begin our sex education at an earlier age. If we wait until they are sweet 16, or the day before the wedding, we are too late. They will have learned all they think they need to know on the street.

And though sex education can take place in the schools as part of basic health education, I think it needs to take place primarily in our homes where we parents can also introduce our own beliefs and values about sexuality.

Third, we can empathize with the dilemma our children face. Ultimately, they will have to make their own choices about their sexuality. They will not be easy choices. We can educate and advise, but, ultimately, we have limited control. Our children will need for us to be understanding, accepting and forgiving of their struggles and choices. That won't always be easy.

Sexuality is a normal, healthy part of being human. It is our job as parents to teach our children how to express their sexuality in a way that is respectful and loving of others, and of themselves. That is no easy task, but few of the tasks of parenting are.

• The Rev. Ken Potts' new book, "Mix, Don't Blend: A Guide to Dating, Engagement, and Remarriage with Children," is available through book retailers.