Mother's Day brings up painful memories for some

When a friend asked me if I could come up with a Mother's Day column, my first thought was "sure, no problem!" I wanted to write something a bit different, though.

I mean, by the time people get around to reading my column, it's likely they already will have heard or read just about anything and everything that could be said about the holiday (I've seen four TV commercials promoting Mother's Day just this afternoon, and it's still two weeks away as I'm writing this).

Well, I've had writer's block before, but seldom like this. Let's face it, writing a Mother's Day column should be a no-brainer, but I just couldn't get into it.

I kept thinking about all those kids I used to work with when I was a foster care social worker. Kids who had been abused, neglected, abandoned - usually by their mothers. I remember the pain in their eyes when they asked me what they should do about Mother's Day.

The really lucky kids had mothers who were working to clean their acts up enough to get them back. They were a minority, though.

Some of the others celebrated a sort of "Foster Mothers Day" (foster kids often call their foster mothers "Mom"), recognizing that these women were more mother for them than their biological mothers ever had been.

Most of these kids just suffered through all the Mother's Day hype in silence. Sure, we talked about how hard it was for them, but I knew that the hurt was still there.

Such foster children are just the most obvious exceptions to our feel-good expectations for Mother's Day. There is any number of others among us who also had mothers who, though biologically capable of having children, proved emotionally or mentally incapable of adequately raising those children. If we grew up in such a situation, Mothers Day can be time of painful memories and ambivalent feelings for us, too.

Notice I said adequately raising children, not perfectly raising children. There are no perfect mothers. There are plenty, however, who do their best, day after day, to be good enough mothers and whom, with the help of good enough fathers, succeed in raising good enough children.

The lucky ones among us had such mothers and fathers. And if we did, then we ought to acknowledge them.

I don't mean we have to send them cards and flowers (note to my publisher: don't bother to market my book to card or flower shops anymore). We can make a phone call, or better yet, pay them a visit.

The point is to tell them just how much we appreciate all that they did for us.

If we weren't fortunate enough to have such a mother in our lives, then I suggest we search out the adults who did provide us the love and nurturing we needed to make it through childhood.

It is never too late to acknowledge to them just how important they were to us. And, perhaps, if we are parents ourselves, we might consider what we can do to be good enough parents for our own children, so that they will be able to say "thank you" to us at some future Mothers or Father's Day.

And while I'm at it, thanks Mom!

• The Rev. Ken Potts' new book, "Mix, Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement, and Remarriage with Children," is available through book retailers.