What makes some friendships persevere?
A month is a long time. Twelve months - a full year, or two years, or even 10 years, is a lot longer. Yet with some friendships the passage of years - even decades - doesn't seem to matter.
A few weeks ago I heard from an old friend I hadn't talked to for almost half a year. The next day another close friend who I'd not seen for at least two years called to see if he could drop by. Not more than a week later I ran into a high school buddy I hadn't had any contact with for at least 10 years. All of which reminded me to call two other good friends I hadn't touched base with in a few months.
In all these instances, despite the lack of recent contact, it took no more than a few minutes to re-establish the bonds that had made us such good friends. The fondness, the easy empathy and the connectedness that are part of being close friends were all still there.
Once I got over feeling guilty for not doing a better job of staying in touch, I found myself wondering about how these friendships got started and why they survived so well, so long, and with so little attention. How was it we became such good friends and stayed such good friends?
Four things stand out for me. Let's call them "potential," "opportunity," "courage" and "perseverance."
By "potential" I'm referring to the presence of all those things that make a really close relationship possible: enough similar personality traits that we connect fairly easily, enough different traits that we find each other interesting, some common interests, similar values, etc.
Though we certainly can find ways to be friends with (or at least be friendly with) a wide variety of people, the potential for building a best friendship is more rare. Despite the differences, then, all my close friends have certain key commonalities.
"Opportunity" has to do not only with the right person, but the right place, the right time and enough time. To become truly close friends requires an initial investment in just being together in the same place.
And we need to be in the same place at a time in our lives where we are actively exploring new relationships and seeking new friends. And, of course, this togetherness and seeking has to be maintained for a while in order to produce a friendship (its no wonder that many best friends come from a neighborhood gang we grew up with, kids we went to school with, or long-term colleagues or co-workers).
"Courage" is important not only in those initial months and years of friendship building, but in future years and decades as well. It takes a lot of courage to open ourselves to another person. It also takes courage to trust that person again after we've been out of or lost touch with each other for an extended period of time.
Finally, "perseverance" plays a part both in building a friendship and in maintaining it over the years. Actually, the maintaining part probably takes more. Life can get pretty complicated as we get older.
Yet we have to see ourselves clear of all the clutter enough to search out our old friends every now and then and renew those ties that bound us together in the first place.
• The Rev. Ken Potts' new book, "Mix, Don't Blend: A Guide to Dating, Engagement, and Remarriage with Children," will be available this spring.