$13 billion in red ink spills over into personal budget

In Intro to Economics, one of those giant college classes that met in an auditorium and had hundreds and hundreds of students, I got the very highest C. So I know what I'm talking about here.

These are tough times. Maybe even a little tougher times for people in newspapers. I've got what the Illinois budget experts call a "structural deficit." So my Constable Family FY 2011 Budget is going to look different from the one we've got now.

I want things, and I don't want to pay for them. So, for starters, I'm not going to pay anything this year on my car loan. I still owe a few thousand dollars on my 2007 Toyota Prius, but I decided it would be in my best interest not to pay those monthly bills. I probably shouldn't even feel guilty considering that I'm apparently driving a car that goes as fast as it wants, doesn't have brakes and qualifies as the scariest thing on wheels since Stephen King's "Christine."

In fact, while "monthly car payment" used to be a liability for me, I'm moving it into the "increased revenue" column for next year in the anticipation that Toyota will throw bushel baskets filled with money at me (or my heirs) after the anticipated car crash.

Personal injury settlements make up just one of the "five pillars of recovery" for my family budget.

Pillar two is what experts call "strategic borrowing." Since you are reading my column right now, I won't even have to phone you at home during supper to explain. Simply get out your checkbook and pay me today for all the columns of mine you might read in fiscal year 2011. I write three columns a week. Each column costs you 75 cents. There are 52 weeks in the year. So, assuming you want to pay me during vacation and sick days, you owe me $117.00.

Yes, I know you might not read any of those columns in which I pontificate about guns, gays, God, the Cubs or anything that has a hint of liberalism to it, but let's not quibble about that during a financial crisis.

I also realize that you might have bought this paper for something other than my column, say that story on Page 1 or the sports section or even the car ads, and that you are only reading this column because you are stuck at the laundromat and already read the back of the Tide box so many times that you have memorized the phrase "Disodium Diaminostilbene Disulfonate."

But you are reading now, so please just send me your check for 117 bucks. Write "Burt's strategic borrowing" in the memo box.

The third pillar in my plan is "creating jobs." Here again is another area where I am patiently asking for your understanding. If you can create jobs for me (it would be really nice if they included pensions), I might be willing to let you slide a bit on that $117 you owe my strategic borrowing fund.

The fourth pillar in my plan is "federal assistance." The federal employee I see the most is from the postal service. He stops by my house six days a week. So here is my plan. I assist him by letting him keep all my Saturday mail and drop it off the following Monday. He assists me by giving me a sixth of his salary divided by the number of houses on his route. If that comes out to $117 for the rest of the year, it would make my bookkeeping simpler.

The final pillar of recovery in my strategic plan to pull me out of the current financial crisis is "cutting costs." While I thought this might be difficult, I've learned from our state that it's jaw-droppingly easy.

When the kids' piano teacher asks for payment, I just explain that I'm not paying her what I promised because I already spent that money on something else. ComEd and Nicor are futility companies under my payment plan. Mortgage company? Sorry. This month's payment already went for this cool, new elliptical machine that is my new health care plan for 2011. Next month's payment no doubt will be eaten up by fliers proclaiming me "hooker-free" in my bid to be chosen as a lieutenant governor nominee.

If any state leaders doubt my qualifications, I'll show them my 2011 budget, which I scratched out in an afternoon and is pretty much the same thing they took months, even years to craft.

If all else fails, I'll tell them I really got the highest B in that econ class.