Discuss, don’t lecture, when it comes to teens and sex

Six out of every 10 teenagers will engage in premarital intercourse before they graduate from high school, according to a newspaper article I just read. Something like three out of 10 teenage girls will get pregnant at least once during their adolescence, according to another study.

That’s shocking, and, if you’re a parent, scary! It sounds like a lot of young people are playing with fire, and a good many are getting burned.

What’s happening? More importantly, how do you keep your own child from getting mixed up in something that could wreck a good part of the rest of his or her life?

What’s happening is what’s happened since this whole world got started — young men and women discovering their sexuality and experimenting. Most of us adults did our share of experimenting when we were teens; remember the back seat of the old Chevy, or your classmate’s “shotgun” wedding?

Today’s kids are simply following in their parents’ footsteps. There are some differences, though. First of all, lately we’ve heard a lot more about teenage sex than we used to. Sex sells newspapers and gets us to tune in for the 10 p.m. news. But are teenagers really more sexually active? We don’t really know.

In fact, some experts go so far as to suggest that today’s youth are no more active than teens ever have been; the problem is all the adults who are morbidly fascinated by teens and sex.

A second big difference today is the sheer amount of sexual hype in our whole society. We use sex to sell everything from jeans to cars to crescent wrenches to politicians. If today’s teens are somewhat preoccupied with sex, it may just reflect what their elders are teaching them.

A third difference, and a very important one, concerns puberty — the age when kids’ bodies start to develop normal sexual feelings. These feelings are starting earlier and earlier. Where puberty not too long ago started as late as 18, many teens, especially females, enter puberty at 13 or even younger.

As kids are discouraged from getting married at 13 (with good reason!) they are left in a real bind. They have some very strong urges, but no socially acceptable way to express them. So we get experimentation.

A fourth difference from when we parents were young is the availability of contraceptives. It makes casual sex safer, but just as kids throughout history have believed “it can’t happen to me,” kids today still believe that. The fact that contraceptives exist may encourage casual sex, but they don’t work if you don’t use them.

What’s a parent to do? First of all, do not panic and race down to the local hardware store to buy a chastity belt for your flowering adolescent. It won’t work. Teenagers will experiment with sex if they want to. You can’t stop it, short of locking them up in the closet for five or six years.

And don’t resort to long lectures or screaming fits on the dangers of sex. They have probably heard it all.

There are some things you can do to help your teen discover and express his or her sexuality in positive ways. Let me suggest a few.

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, and a little knowledge about sex can be a disaster. Most teens don’t get into trouble because they know too much about sex, they get into trouble because they know too little.

Your kids have some important decisions to make about their newfound sexuality, so give them the knowledge they need to make educated decisions. Start by finding out how much your teens really do know. If they’re getting sex education in school, have them bring home their text book. Have them look at online resources or check out the local bookstore. Talk to them about what they’ve learned.

At first both you and your teen may feel a little embarrassed talking about all this, but work on it. You can not only learn a lot about sexuality, you can learn a lot about each other as well.

A second suggestion: Share some of your own experiences, feelings and thoughts about sex. What was it like for you to find yourself having sexual feelings when you were a teen? What were your hopes, your fears? What do you hope for your own teenager now that they are going through some of the same things you went through?

I used the word “share” on purpose. Don’t try to tell your teens what to do, feel or think. It won’t work. Just share some of yourself. They might listen.

It isn’t easy — it may indeed be one of the most excruciatingly difficult conversations you’ll ever have — but once you get started, don’t quit. Use whatever vocabulary makes you comfortable, and go to it. Your kid will at least appreciate your effort.

Suggestion three: Give you son or daughter a chance to share his or her own experiences, feelings and thoughts about sex and listen without judgment. Be as sympathetic and understanding as you can. I don’t expect you to like everything they say, but do recognize their right to say it.

When your 13-year-old son says he thinks premarital sex is just dandy, don’t read him the riot act — talk with him about his ideas. Agree to disagree, if that’s the best you can do. Whatever you do, don’t insist that you’re right. That just challenges your teen to do the opposite of what you want!

Finally, be a loving parent no matter what your child does. The time may come when you find yourself facing a tearful — or defiant — son or daughter who has made a mistake and needs your help.

If that happens, they don’t need you to blame them or scare them. They’ll feel guilty and scared enough for both of you, even if they don’t show it. They will need a lot of understanding, a little advice and all the love you can give.

Our sexual feelings start when we are teens, and we spend most of our lives struggling with them. If we can get our kids to see us as fellow strugglers rather than judge and jury, we can do a lot to help them find what’s good about their sexuality. That’s an important part of our job as parents.

Ÿ The Rev. Ken Potts’ book “Mix, Don’t Blend: A Guide to Dating, Engagement, and Remarriage with Children” is available through book retailers.