Potts: Play helps keep marriage healthy

“Couples who play together, stay together.”

Well, not exactly. But the ability to be playful can go a long way toward keeping our marriages healthy.

As we grew into adulthood, most of us put aside our childish ways. That's a good thing.

Unfortunately, however, many of us also put aside our ability to play as well. That's not a good thing.

Though children do spend a good deal of their time playing, that doesn't mean that play is just for kids. Play is an important part of all our lives, whether we are young or old. And it is especially important in our relationships with other people, especially those to whom we are closest.

Marriage in particular needs a good dose of play. The pleasure, the excitement, the joy, the laughter of play help us through the more serious, painful parts of life together.

To have this effect, however, our marital play must be healthy. Let me offer you my criteria for such play.

1. Healthy play is always sensitive to our moods and needs. If one of us is angry and needs to talk out a problem, play simply postpones a necessary conflict. If one of us is down in the dumps, we first need to be listened to and comforted before we are ready to play.

2. Healthy play is always enjoyable for both spouses. It is not done at our husband's or wife's expense. Physical violence is not play! Wrestling, tickling, etc., can be, but only if it's enjoyable. Teasing may or may not be play, depending on how we feel about it.

3. Healthy play is relaxing. A good game of tennis can be play, but if one or both spouses gets caught up in the competition or the exercise, it's not play. There's nothing wrong about occasionally competing, or about exercising together. But we need relaxed play as well.

4. Healthy play builds intimacy. As we play together, we feel closer and more in touch with each other. It leaves a pleasant glow and fond memories.

With all that in mind, there are all kinds of ways we can play together. A joke, a game, a friendly wrestling match and just being silly together can all be healthy play.

I'm not suggesting that such play is a panacea for marital problems, but it can make those problems easier to solve as it gives us a foundation of good feelings to build upon. All in all, though we should never play at marriage, it's a good idea to let ourselves play in marriage.

Ÿ The Rev. Ken Potts' book “Mix, Don't Blend: A Guide to Dating, Engagement, and Remarriage with Children” is available through book retailers.