Don’t get mad, get the whole story

“Just two, you can have just two.”

Your 3-year-old daughter nods her head in agreement as she sticks her hand into the bag and pulls out a handful of candy.

It’s 6:15 p.m. Your husband promised — promised — he’d be home no later than 5:30. You’re supposed to pick up your friend by 6:30, be at the play by 7.

Your co-worker bailed you out and agreed to cover the last two hours of your shift. So you call after your son’s parent-teacher conference just to see how things are going. She’s not there. Great! You can’t wait to hear what your boss has to say about this one.

Who’d blame you for being upset? And why shouldn’t you let your daughter, husband or co-worker know it?

Unfortunately, life isn’t that simple. For example, after a few minutes talking with your daughter, you might discover that, for her, the number “two” has no meaning. Two is a handful. Three is a handful. Forty-three is a handful. Her grab for all she could hold was not an act of defiance at all.

Or, let’s take your tardy husband. It turns out that there was a major pileup on the expressway. In fact, he just barely missed being part of it. He did try to call, but all the lines were tied up with everybody else calling home to apologize for being late.

And at work? Actually, your co-worker did cover for you. Your supervisor just sent her home because things were slow, then went home herself. No problem.

Three potential misunderstandings. Perhaps three arguments that didn’t need to happen. I guess the more we know about such situations, the less likely they are to turn into fights.

It’s not that everything works out, or even that you aren’t frustrated or angry. It’s just those things can look different when you get all the facts.

So rather than yelling at your 3-year-old, you might try gently stopping her and counting out for her, “one, two.” Do that a few times and she might learn it on her own.

Or, when your husband walks in the door it’s still OK for you to tell him you’re ticked off, but make sure and ask him if he’s OK, too. Then get to the play!

And before you lose your temper with your “irresponsible” co-worker, give her a call at home and check out how things went. If you want to tell her about your momentary panic, fine, but get your facts straight first. And say “thanks” for her help.

Though each of the above situations is different, your approach needs to be the same. Get more information, express emotions appropriate to your relationship with the other person and do whatever you can to make things better. The rule: before you pick a fight, pick your fight.

Ÿ The Rev. Ken Potts’ book “Mix, Don’t Blend: A Guide to Dating, Engagement, and Remarriage with Children” is available through book retailers.