Reason and reward prove effective tools in parenting

Your 4-year-old has been outside all day and it's time for him to come in for his bath. But his response to your "Time to come in!" is a defiant "No!"

OK, here you go again. Do you stomp out into the yard, grab the kid by the arm, and drag him in? Do you just throw up your arms, retreat back into the house and let him fend for himself? Do you engage in a shouting match with a semiarticulate preschooler? Or do you throw him a bar of soap, grab the garden hose and simply hose him down where he stands?

Raising children is harder than we thought. After a few encounters like the one above, the "Attila the Hun" theory of parenting may even seem to have some merit.

Knowing that such confrontations are a normal part of raising kids, I'd like to offer some ideas on a somewhat different way of dealing with them. We might simply call it "persuasion."

Our goal as parents is ultimately to instill in our children certain values and behaviors that will make it unnecessary for us to parent. For example, when it comes to taking a bath, our goal is to have our child come in on his own and take his bath. Now, he may not do this until he's in his preteens and one of the neighborhood girls he likes tells him that he "smells" (always a strong motivator for boys that age), but sooner or later he will get the idea.

Be that as it may, most of us do learn better when: 1) we are given a reason for doing what we're being asked to do; and 2) we are aware of some sort of reward for our behavior. In almost any situation, it is possible for us parents to come up with both; in other words, reason and reward.

It's bath time. And even with a preschooler it can be worthwhile to explain why. "It's almost bedtime and it's time to start getting ready. You're all hot and dirty and we don't want all that dirt in your bed." A reward will help too: "If you'll hurry, we'll have time for a snack and a story after your bath."

Get the idea? Actually, the older our children, the better such parenting can work. Older children are more rational and can understand our reasoning, and their own self-interest better. A teenager is, in fact, capable of understanding the relationship between good grades and future job opportunities, and will do quite a bit of homework to earn the privilege of using the car.

Nothing is foolproof, of course. There will be times when our persuasion isn't enough. Persuasion depends on thinking, and all children, especially young children, are often motivated by feeling. So our 4-year-old may not respond positively to our reason and reward. Feeling angry and defiant (as 4-year-olds are supposed to at times) he might persist in his "No!"

Then it's time for coercion: "If you don't come in now, there will be no snack or story." And it can, on occasion require a trip out into the yard and a forceful (though not violent) escort into the house. Not even adults respond to persuasion all the time.

Always start with persuasion, though. It really does work better over the long run. We will also feel a whole lot better about ourselves as parents in the process (I guess that's reason and reward for us).

• The Rev. Ken Potts' new book, "Mix, Don't Blend: A Guide to Dating, Engagement, and Remarriage with Children," is available through book retailers.