Extended family responsibilities can bring stress

A person born in 1900 could expect to live 48 years. Now, with better nutrition, a safer environment and far superior medical care, life expectancy at birth is 77 years or more.

Even more remarkable, the average 65-year-old today is likely to live to age 82. Families with four or five living generations are no longer uncommon. Many adults now have more surviving parents, parents-in-law and grandparents than they do children.

The richness of such family life can be incredible.

When I watch my father-in-law listen patiently to his grandchildren relate their latest adventures, or when he sits and cuddles his great-grandchildren, I am deeply touched by the privilege we have in being part of such an extended family. The other side of the coin becomes apparent when my wife and I sit down with other couples our age and talk about the demands of caring for our parents - and sometimes even our grandparents - while still needing to be available for our children and grandchildren.

Sometimes called the "sandwich generation" by pundits, those of us in our middle years often feel literally sandwiched between the escalating needs and wants of our parents - and their parents - and the changing needs and wants of our children, not to mention the new and usually delightful needs and wants of our children's children. (Read that last sentence again a few times if you want to feel really stressed.)

And, of course, we also have our own needs and wants to consider somewhere in that mix.

I suspect part of the escalating litany of aches, pains, illnesses and disabilities that many now in their midlife are reciting is in no small measure related to the overwhelming weight of the needs and wants we are carrying. We aren't just being sandwiched, we're being crushed.

A friend of mine, for example, works full-time in a fairly stressful position as an administrative assistant responsible for scheduling the lives of a half-dozen therapists and a multitude of counseling clients.

In the evenings she cares for her own mother - recently widowed and blind; as well as her mother-in-law - physically healthy but emotionally prone to bitterness and despair; her husband - who has recently struggled through a series of mildly severe illnesses; and her daughter - a recent college grad juggling a new job and a new relationship.

Guess who is now dealing with her own likely stress-induced maladies?

I'd like to offer a quick and easy solution to this dilemma. If I ever find one, I'll let you know. In the meantime, let me make a few suggestions as to how we can at least cope with all these sometimes conflicting and often overwhelming needs and wants.

• Take care of ourselves. If we do not attend to our own physical, emotional, social and spiritual needs, we will burn out and wind up needing someone to take care of us.

• Admit we can't do it all. We will not be able to make all the people who need us healthy and happy. Some things aren't going to get done, or get done well. We have to develop the philosophy of "good enough."

• Don't try to parent our parents (or grandparents). As difficult as it is to figure out where to draw the line, we have to let our elders function as independent, decision-making adults as long as they can. This will be a constant tension in our lives as we negotiate the boundary line between what they can - and can't - do or decide for themselves.

• Let our kids grow up. Sometimes the family changes required to deal with a dependent elder can be a significant factor in helping our children along their own roads to adulthood. They can learn valuable lessons about life and relationships in the process.

• Promote "inter-generationalism." As I mentioned above, my father-in-law has a special gift for relating to his grandchildren and great-grandchildren. As they grow, they will benefit from being involved in caring for him. We become a closer and better family in the process. And, as I witnessed recently in watching my oldest daughter care for an elderly relative, we become better people as well.

• Cherish each moment. That's much easier to say than to do. Even in caring for a highly dependent parent or grandparent, or for that matter, child or grandchild, there are moments when we can find intimacy and joy. We may need to look hard at times, but it is almost always there.

Though taking the above suggestions will not necessarily eliminate the burdens which our multigenerational family life places upon us, I think they can at least help make these burdens more bearable. And, from my experience, I cannot imagine ever giving up the incredible privilege of a family life lived with such variety and richness.

• The Rev. Ken Potts is a pastoral counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers, Naperville and Downers Grove.