The way to stop wild cheers at 8th-grade 'graduations'

The reason I can't remember the keynote speech at my 8th-grade graduation is not because it was horrible, was delivered by the TV actor who played Bernie in the hit show "Bridget Loves Bernie," or my 50-something mind is so addled I can only remember trivial things such as that David Birney played Bernie to Meredith Baxter's Bridget.

The reason I can't remember it is because we had no graduation, since completing 8th grade was considered no more important than finishing 7th grade or 9th grade.

But, as is the custom in the suburbs, my wife and I sit with a mob of other parents as we endure a long ceremony to watch our twin boys, in their caps and gowns, receive their "diplomas."

"Please," says the principal, cognizant of the fact that people have plans (graduation party, celebratory dinner. hockey game on TV), "in an effort to move along the ceremony, please hold your applause until all the graduates in a group have been awarded their diplomas."

And yet, parents, loved ones and/or friends immediately begin cheering and whooping when the first name is called. Peer pressure kicks in, others cheer their children and kids must look at their hooting parents and want to ask, "If Tyler's parents jumped off a cliff, would you jump off a cliff?"

Here is how to stop that. Instead of politely asking people to hold their applause, say this:

"We want you to hold your applause until the end of the ceremony and not scream for your kid, but if you don't expect your kid to ever experience another graduation, are confident that getting through 8th grade is going to be a real life highlight, and think this might be as good as it gets, well then, by all means, go nuts."

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One life always worthy of applause was that of John Wooden, the legendary basketball coach and gentleman who died last weekend at age 99. My late column buddy, Jack Mabley, often brought up Wooden as an example of someone who could rise to the top of his field without cheating, bragging or losing track of the more important things in life.

But my dad is the one who really made me appreciate John Wooden. When Michael Jordan was fueling talk that he was the greatest basketball player ever, I asked my dad (who had played a lot of basketball, watched a lot of basketball and knew a lot of basketball) who was the best player he had ever seen.

"John Wooden," Dad said without hesitation, explaining how Wooden led his small Hoosier high school team to the state championship game three years in a row before becoming the first three-time, consensus All-American at Purdue University. Lightning fast, with an uncanny ability to know where the ball was going, Wooden revolutionized the fast break by zipping under outlet passes from Purdue's 6-foot-6 giant Charles "Stretch" Murphy.

The national player of the year with the highest GPA among Big Ten athletes, Wooden averaged 12.2 points a game as a senior in an era where entire teams sometimes had trouble scoring 12 points. In his final college game, Wooden outscored the opposition by throwing in 21 points as his Boilermakers beat the University of Chicago 53-18.

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It was painful in the previous sentence to type the words "beat Chicago" with our Blackhawks just one victory from the Stanley Cup. While hockey is best watched in person, technology finally has made the game enjoyable on TV, where the Blackhawks' ratings topped the Indy 500, NASCAR and other sporting events. Not only does high-definition TV allow viewers to actually see the puck, the DVR makes the fast game seem even faster.

By fast-forwarding through commercials and the between-periods commentary, my wife and I were able to watch the entire game before "Blackhawks Post Game Live," even though we started late because we were out celebrating our sons' "graduation."