Five tips for couples who work together

"The couple that works together …"

How would you complete that sentence? The couple that works together enjoys more time together? The couple that works together drives each other crazy? The couple that works together really gets to know each other? The couple that works together never gets anything done?

Let's face it; we spend a lot of our lives working. I'm not just referring to the jobs we have, but also to the work we do around the house, or the work we do helping out friends and family, or the work we do with volunteer organizations.

Inevitably such work throws couples together in a variety of situations that will bring out their strengths, weaknesses and differences. He likes to just get started; she wants a plan. She wants to start with the easier tasks; he wants to get the tough ones over with first. He wants to take regular breaks; she wants to get the job done as quickly as possible. She wants to do it just so; he wants to do it good enough.

Get the idea? Now throw in the fact that some of us are better at certain jobs than others, or that sometimes there are two or three different ways to get a job done, and it's not hard to believe that working together can be a bit of a challenge for most couples.

The way we sort out if, when and how to work together can have a significant impact on the intimacy we experience in our relationships. If we can accommodate our individual strengths, weaknesses and preferences, if we can tolerate each others' differences, working together can increase our intimacy. If we can't, the misunderstanding and conflict we experience in trying to work together can erode such intimacy.

When it comes to working together, we can take a few steps to make it less of a challenge.

• Communicate. Talk openly about each other's ways of working, including what we are good at, what we aren't, what we like, what we don't. And be honest about just how much tolerance we have for different ways of doing things.

• Plan ahead. Decide whether and when we can work together, or whether we just need to divide up the work and do it on or own. Maybe it makes sense for each of us to do the jobs we are best at or enjoy most. Maybe one or both of us needs to get better at some tasks. Maybe we can do some things together but not others.

• Be fair. Make sure we both feel the work is fairly divided and that we are both doing our share.

• Be supportive. Acknowledge and appreciate the efforts our partners make. Of course, that means we also have to agree on acceptable standards for the jobs we are doing and live up to those standards.

• Make the most of it. When we can work together, we want to find ways to make it enjoyable. We might talk about things we like to talk about, share how our days have been, or just quietly appreciate the chance to be together.

Working together can help or hurt our relationships depending on how we handle it. With understanding and acceptance, working together can help build the intimacy in our relationships in a unique and special way.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."