Couples should get counseling for marital affairs
Over the years, I have worked with numerous couples who are attempting to recover from the relational devastation caused by one partner or the other, or even both, being involved in extra-marital sexual relationships.
Most research points to the likelihood that about a quarter of women and a third of men are involved at one point or another in such affairs. And, perhaps not surprisingly, about two-thirds of those marriages end in divorce.
I'd like to claim that couples who immediately seek out help from a marriage counselor are not in this two thirds. I do believe that marriage counseling does increase the chances of couples staying together, but it is certainly no miracle cure.
Affairs come in a variety of types and occur for a variety of reasons. A one-night stand is a lot different from a long-term sexual liaison.
Some affairs are purely sexual, some involve an emotional connection that is actually often more threatening to the marriage being betrayed.
An affair can be an act of passion fueled by the fight we just had with our spouse, or by the one too many drinks we had on a business trip. On the other hand, it can be a real cry of loneliness and desperation.
Extra-marital affairs are always devastating to marriages. They represent a violation of that foundation of commitment, honesty and trust that all successful marriages must have as a basis. And they are a wound that never really heals. We may find ways to live with it in our marriages, but it will never be forgotten.
Extra-marital affairs, whether discovered or not, always point to deeper issues beyond those that seem most obvious. Affairs do not just happen.
For example, they may suggest individual issues around a fear of the intimacy a healthy marriage involves, an inability to accept the accommodation and compromise that a long-term life together necessitates, or even a serious mental health condition or personality disorder.
Affairs can be symptomatic of relational issues, as well. They can direct our attention to basic incompatibility in a marriage, or a simple lack of communication. Most often, affairs can be attributed to a combination of both individual and relational problems.
Books have been written as to just how devastating affairs are. Some even suggest a "cookbook" solution, with claims it will enable any marriage to recover. This is not the case.
Every person and every marriage is unique. The road back from the pain and anguish of an extra-marital sexual relationship is different for every couple.
I do want to offer a word of hope. Though the odds may seem to be against recovering from an affair, many marriages do. All things considered, perhaps more recover than we might expect.
If you are faced with this reality, first, avoid making immediate decisions as to the future of your marriage. Second, get help.