Navigating the middle school challenge: A primer for parents

Think you are smarter than the average sixth-grader?

If so, try this intellectual, social and emotional challenge on for size: smoothly navigate the new terrain of middle school in a new building with ease; while meeting more new friends than you can count on your hands and feet; remembering two combinations for two different locks, and making sure that you always make the bus (that you are riding for perhaps the first time in your life) on time.

Top that off with aptly juggling projects in Egyptian history and literature with math homework and band practice, while at the same time getting up earlier and wanting to stay up later than you ever have before.

No matter how prepared you feel you would -- or would not -- be, before you know it, one day it happens to your child. The very same little one you ushered into kindergarten on their very first day of school outgrows that school where it all began. And for parents, the transition to middle school is a lot like the experience of watching your child become a pre-adolescent: somewhat unpredictable, and even a little scary.

Above all, it is a little hard for me to fathom. My own shift to middle school meant moving up to the third floor of the building I had been attending for years, with the same class that I entered kindergarten with and graduated high school with years later. There were 80 of us.

When my son Alec started sixth grade at Batavia's Rotolo Middle School this year, it was with an approximate class size of 500, his elementary school emptying in to the grade with five others.

And while it is November and the first report cards are coming out soon, for many parents the transition still isn't complete. I am thankful for the wonderful administrators and teachers at Rotolo Middle School who have made the process easier for a parent who still feels she is learning the ropes.

The experts tell me that I am not alone.

"It is a juggling act," says Jennifer Hix, a teacher at Rotolo Middle School and a middle school parent herself. "You don't want to be too nosy, but you can't be hands-off either at this age.

"Parents need to be talking with their kids about the school experience to understand what their child is going through."

Homework hassles

For middle school parents, Hix suggests that school become a dinner conversation if it isn't already.

"Ask them what projects they have coming up, if that project has a rubric or project description sheet that you can look at," she suggests. "Make sure they are writing assignments and projects down in their planner."

Maybe one of the hardest academic challenges that a new middle school student faces is juggling multiple classes, multiple teachers and multiple assignments, in just one block of free time.

"Model to them ways you break down big assignments at work or home," says Hix. "Set the timer for a set amount of time every night and ask them to work on a project in that timeframe. If they say they have no homework for the night, ask them to use that time to increase the quality of an assignment they have already finished--or to read a book."

And even at middle school, homework done out of sight is often out of mind.

"Kids may say they are working an hour at homework, but if they are doing it with the computer and TV on, it may not be quality time," says Hix. "Make sure that you are seeing it happen."

Even though students in middle school may not be as upfront about their achievements, or failures at school, parents need to be poised to pickup on both.

"Ask to see the work that comes home," says Hix. "They may not think to hand them over. At the middle school age they live in the moment, it is their world, and they don't always see outside of that."

One mom recently helped her daughter with a math homework project that took until 11 p.m. to finish, and ended up driving her daughter to school the next morning a little later than usual to give her a bit more sleep. That might be fine once, but what should a parent do if middle school homework starts to take hours to finish on a more routine basis?

"At that point, it is important for parents to send the teacher a note or an e-mail, indicating how long it is taking," says Hix. "You can write on the homework, indicating that you worked with her for this amount of time and still weren't done, so that the teacher realizes that. We want them to have family time, time to be a kid and enough rest."

Fixing mistakes

I was listening in on a conversation between two parents of middle school students recently, discussing what they would do if their child came home on the bus without homework. One indicated that they drive them back to school to get it, while another said that to learn responsibility, her child would need to suffer the consequences.

Hix thinks there may be some middle ground. "If your child comes home without homework, ask them what their options are," she says. "Have them problem solve. Can they ask a classmate what the questions were for the assignment, can they go online and finish it or work on it during lunch the following day? If they do need you to take them back, can they ask you to do so in a respectful way and have it be a lesson they learn the first time around?"

The most important thing, she says, is that when middle school students make mistakes parents take the time to talk it through with them.

"Ask what they will do differently next time, and how they might avoid that mistake in the future," she says. "This will help them in life when the problems get bigger. You want them to know that when life gets tough, and it does get tough, that they can handle any situation, and that you are there to give them the guidance that they need."

And what quickly becomes apparent is that as parents of middle school students our role is about more than just guiding our children through homework mishaps. As the circle of friends widens in middle school to include those from families that we don't know, helping them make social decisions becomes just as important -- or even more so.

"Parents cannot be afraid to call and introduce themselves to the parents of their child's friends," says Hix. "They did those things when their child was in elementary school, and they can't stop now."

Cara Heidgen, the risk prevention coordinator at Batavia's Rotolo Middle School, agrees wholeheartedly.

"It is so important, so vital, that parents maintain contact with their children's friend's parents," she says. "You need to introduce yourself and talk with them about what your rules are, and what your expectations are for your child. It is crucial at this age."

What is not so crucial, according to Heidgen, are cell phones, instant messaging, and the other forms of communication that middle school students seem to think are necessary.

"I consider instant messaging a kind of phone service, and I don't think that kids need to be talking on a 'phone' for hours at this age," she says. "And cell phones are really not necessary in most situations. They are not needed at school, where students can use the office phone if they need it."

Still, Heidgen acknowledges that most middle schoolers are looking for increased independence, and says the key is to make sound choices about what you let them do.

"It is important to let them have time with their friends, but the important thing is to be sure that you have a plan," she says. "Who are they going to be with, have you talked to the parents of the other children? Are you making sure that you are dropping them off and picking them up at the same place, like the Teen Center? These are the questions to ask."

In the end, parents of new middle school students want to do the best they can to help their child find their way. Teachers and administrators want the same thing, and are happy to also guide the novice parent who still has questions.

"Schools want to be accessible to parents, it is important to us," says Heidgen.

That's something important to remember as you ease into your role as parent of a middle school student, with only three years left until … high school.