Giving dead a day helps ease pain and celebrate the life

This past Friday would have been Jack Mabley's 92nd birthday. He died on Jan. 7 of last year. I miss him and still keep his Daily Herald nameplate in my cubicle to make me feel better, even though sometimes it makes me feel worse. Fran, his widow, and I talked about Jack earlier in the week.

I always call my mom on my dad's birthday in July and on the anniversary of his death at the end of August. We remember things about Dad, and I think it helps both of us handle the loss a bit.

The paper recently ran photographs of parents visiting the gravesites of teens killed by a drunken driver on the anniversary of those deaths. It must provide some comfort to visit the cemetery.

But the Protestant community in which I was raised as a kid never seemed to know exactly how to handle death when it happened, let alone how to deal with it over time. So I envy people such as Oscar Villalpando, a 19-year-old Elgin Community College student who is more than comfortable with death.

"People have a favorite holiday. My favorite holiday has to be the Day of the Dead," Villalpando says of the holiday that spans Thursday and Friday. "I'm a big fan of it."

For me, Day of the Dead was a George A. Romero zombie movie (a Steve Miner-directed remake of which is due out in the spring) until several years ago when my family visited The National Museum of Mexican Arts (formerly known as the Mexican Fine Arts Center Museum) in Chicago's Pilsen neighborhood.

As part of that Day of the Dead exhibit, we wrote letters to my dead Aunt Doris and Aunt Frank (also known as Frances). My kids made a shrine to my dad. My eyes teared up, and I'm still not sure if it was because I was sad or happy.

Born in Mexico, where Day of the Dead is a grand public holiday, Villalpando says he never appreciated the holiday to its full extent while growing up in Elgin -- in part because he didn't really have any specific dead loved one to honor on the holiday.

Until now.

"This year, my grandfather died," Villalpando says with childlike enthusiasm. "It will be like my first Day of the Dead."

While acknowledging that some Americans might find his zest for Day of the Dead morose or even disrespectful to his grandfather, Villalpando says, "We celebrate his life by celebrating his death."

Armando Villalpando Garcia died in his sleep of a heart ailment in February at age 72 in his native Mexico. While his grandson can't travel to Mexico for the holiday, he can celebrate in Elgin.

Villalpando says his shrine to his grandfather will include the traditional candles and marigolds. But he'll make the display personal.

There will be steak and beans and other favorite foods; a guitar like the one played by his music-loving grandpa; and even a pack of Marlboro cigarettes that probably hastened his grandfather's death.

"I'll just think of all the good memories I have of him," Villalpando says.

I'm doing the same thing by putting together a display featuring the flag that draped my dad's coffin, his medals from World War II and an old photograph (one of Mom's favorites) of Dad in uniform and holding an Old Spice bottle.

As part of a project for a class, Villalpando researched the way cultures honor the dead. While he found similar holidays among the Greeks, Egyptians, Irish and others, Villalpando says Mexico's Day of the Dead resonates with him. He loves the music and art inspired by the holiday.

"I think of it philosophically," Villalpando says. "Some people think death is the end. I think there is something else out there. It can be really optimistic. We are all going to die, so what am I going to do with my life?"