Grandparents have a different job

I love being a grandparent. It's one of those jobs in the family that has excellent benefits, yet doesn't demand a lot of work. In fact, sometimes I wonder if grandparenting isn't the best payoff for being a parent, a job that does demand an awful lot of work.

Perhaps the best part of grandparenting is the unconditional love we receive from our grandchildren. From infant to adolescent and beyond, children hold their grandparents in special regard. Even when kids are driving their parents crazy, they still usually treat grandma and grandpa with affection. And there is not a lot grandparents have to do to earn such love, except love a lot in return.

A second benefit is the chance to go back and try to improve on some of the less than perfect parenting we did with our own children. You know, it is usually in hindsight that we become aware of our shortcomings as parents. As grandparents, we can try to be more patient, or affectionate, or understanding, or giving, or perhaps more available with our grandchildren than we were the first time around.

Yet another benefit in being a grandparent is, somewhat paradoxically, the freedom to walk away. We aren't our grandchildren's parents. We love them, but they are not our responsibility. We can and for the sake of ourselves, our adult children and our grandchildren want to be involved in the lives of our grandchildren on a limited basis - when it suits their and our needs.

On the other side of the ledger, the job of grandparenting does have some specific responsibilities involved.

As grandparents, we can provide the perspective that time and experience allow. We are testimony to the fact that life and families have continuity and are manageable. We usually are the connection to the larger extended family of siblings, aunts and uncles and cousins as well.

Being grandparents also involves being a source of support for our children turned parents. Our job is not so much to give advice, unless it is asked for, but rather to be there when asked, to support, to encourage, to console. Grandparents can act as a bit of a safety valve, providing a safe spot for our adult children to express the inevitable pains and frustrations of parenting.

All of the above needs to be done within limits, however. Out of our genuine love for our adult children and their children, it is tempting for those of us who are grandparents to get overinvolved in their lives. We think we can help them to avoid some of the mistakes we made, perhaps make it a bit easier for them. And it also just feels good to be needed.

Yet, as grandparents, we are not responsible for our adult children. It is simply not our job anymore to parent them. They have to learn for themselves now. And it never was our job to parent their children. We are just grandparents, a new and awfully special job.

• The Rev. Ken Potts is a pastoral counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers, Naperville and Downers Grove. His book, "Take One A Day," can be ordered at local bookstores or online.