Talking to our children about sex

There are probably few subjects that we are more uncomfortable talking about than sex. It's not uncommon to find, in the midst of counseling a couple who have been married for decades, that they have never once discussed their sexuality. Not surprisingly, they are struggling with a good many misunderstandings and hurt feelings that have built up over those years of silence.

If it is that hard for many of us parents to talk to each other about sex, imagine how most of us feel talking to our kids. The "What's that?" of the 3-year-old pointing to his or her parent's genitals is usually met by a severe attack of red-faced sputtering or excruciating and embarrassed silence.

I guess we could avoid talking to our kids about sex. If we consistently change the subject, or give them dirty looks, our children will sooner or later take the hint. They can always pick up their information from TV, movies, magazines or other kids. When it comes to the media or the neighborhood gang, sex is always a hot topic.

I'm not so sure, though, that we want our children learning about their sexuality from TV soap operas, cable channels, Internet sites and corner gossip. I'm just not real thrilled with the image of sexuality that they'll get from those sources. Then sex too easily becomes secretive, titillating, manipulative and common as well as full of unbelievable misinformation.

If we parents are to take our jobs seriously, then we have to find some way to give our kids a healthy attitude toward their own sexuality. Since many of us have not been taught such a healthy attitude ourselves, we may have to overcome our own hang-ups in the process.

I guess that means before we can teach a healthy attitude, we may need to first figure for ourselves just what we believe. I can't do that for you, but I can share some of my own beliefs.

1. Our sexuality is a gift from God. It is a positive and beautiful part of being human. It is given both for the creating of children and as a means of expressing a unique closeness between persons.

2. Sexuality is best centered in a marital relationship. Being surrounded by a nurturing family is very important to the child we may create. Likewise, there is a unique and at times dangerous intimacy involved in openly expressing our sexuality. A stable, growing marriage can provide a safe place for this expression.

3. If we imply to our children, directly or indirectly, that sex is "dirty" or "unhealthy," we are asking them to deny part of their very nature. We are also detracting from the joy and intimacy that can be found in expressing our sexuality.

4. Given freedom to question and explore, with gentle and caring guidance from parents, children will develop a healthy attitude toward their sexuality. They will learn how and when to express it, consistent with the values they are taught.

Of course, even when we come to our own understanding of healthy sexuality, we are still faced with deciding how to convey it to our children. Let me suggest a few ideas here, too.

First, we need to risk being open about sex. When our children ask a question, any question, we need to answer honestly and clearly.

Second, we need to deal with sexuality at a level our kids will understand. Explaining intercourse to a 5-year-old is radically different from explaining it to a 15-year-old.

Third, we need to suggest, but not force, our values about sexuality. This is especially important with teens, who will be trying to determine their own values and behaviors. We have to recognize that it is their choice. We can only share our perspective.

Fourth, there is help. I've seen a number of good resources including books, workbooks, TV programs and movies that deal with sexuality. Some are aimed at children, some at parents. Use them.

Finally, we can trust our children's own healthy, age-appropriate curiosity. For example, at our home we have sometimes left around two children's books on sexuality: "Where Did I Come From?" and "What's Happening to Me?" Our children have looked at them on occasion, and even discussed some of what they have read or seen pictured. We try to respond naturally and openly, telling them no more and no less than what is age appropriate.

I've briefly tried to share both some basic convictions I have about sexuality, and some strategies for teaching our children to understand and value their own sexual selves. If dealing with your children's sexuality is a major struggle for you in your role as parent, you might want to consult some of the resources available, or visit a family therapist for some extra help.

The Rev. Ken Potts is a pastoral counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers, Naperville and Downers Grove. His book, "Take One A Day," can be ordered at local bookstores or online.