All families have problems, it's how you deal with them

One measure of whether or not a family is working well is the problems it has to deal with. Or, at least, that's what popular wisdom dictates: healthy families experience fewer, less difficult problems.

Research into family life, however, suggests a different conclusion. In examining the functioning of families that are working well and those that aren't, it seems that both experience a surprisingly similar number, type and intensity of problems.

The fact is, no family is problem-free. For example, there are those problems we generate ourselves through our individual and shared weaknesses and mistakes. Other problems inevitably arise as we negotiate our difference in how we want to live out our life together. Additional problems appear as our family grows and develops through its life cycle.

The environment in which our family functions - neighborhood, town, school, job, church and so on - all generate problems at one time or the other. And none of us are exempt from those problems that arise out of the simple fickleness of life itself - illnesses, accidents, natural disasters, economic fluctuations.

Yet despite this commonality, when it comes to problems, there really are some differences between families that work well and those that don't. Though it may not be in the number, type or intensity of the problems families face, it does seem to be in the way in which they face them.

Well-functioning families all appear to share a particular approach to problems. There are certain characteristics of problem solving that these families have in common:

1. They identify the problem early on.

2. They recognize that the problem needs to be dealt with as soon as possible, not let it go until it gets out of control.

3. The people involved accept ownership of the problem. "It's ours," not everybody's or nobody's. This means avoiding blaming others as well.

4. They allow the expression of feelings and accept such feelings as legitimate. They don't see emotions as threatening.

5. They are open to new ideas or solutions, not always going back to "this is the way we've always done it."

6. They make a choice about what to do, rather than getting bogged down in indecision.

7. They assign responsibility for acting on this choice, not assuming that somehow things will just get done.

8. They act; they don't procrastinate.

9. They evaluate the results of their actions, not just trusting that things will work as planned.

10. They revise their plans and try again, rather than just giving up.

11. They acknowledge and celebrate their successful problem solving.

That's quite a list, but such an approach does work. Problems get solved, and these families have more time and energy to enjoy life and each other.

On the other hand, when our family doesn't deal with problems well, they usually don't get solved and we find ourselves coming back to them time and time again. And each time we do, the problems are a bit worse and we feel a bit less able to deal with them.

Actually that's why, on the surface, families that aren't working well seem to have more, different and worse problems. They usually have built up such a stockpile of unsolved problems that it is all that we, and they, can see.

Problem solving, fortunately, involves attitudes, knowledge and skills that most families can develop. We can work our way out from under the pile of problems we feel trapped under. It is not always easy, and it may take some help, but it can be done. The first step, not surprisingly, is simply recognizing that we've got a problem.

• The Rev. Ken Potts is a pastoral counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers, Naperville and Downers Grove.