No such thing as an unnecessary reminder

My wife and I have a new rule for our marriage: there is no such thing as an unnecessary reminder.

We didn't always need this rule. We have both been pretty good at keeping track of the what, when and who of living our lives together. Nine times out of 10, any reminder was met with the responses "Got it done" or "It's on my calendar." Eventually we got in the habit of taking for granted our mutual reliability.

We have, however, now entered that phase of life in which our ability to recall even the most mundane responsibilities has been eroded to an alarming extent. Did I close the garage door? Better circle the block and double check. What is it we're doing Friday night? Oh, right, that was my idea, wasn't it. What errand did I promise to do on the way home? Thank goodness for cell phones.

Now, this is frustrating enough for us as individuals. As a couple, though, it has also meant that we can no longer just assume we are as reliable for each other as we once were.

Perhaps we're fortunate that we are both experiencing this simultaneously. It's that much harder to be impatient with each other.

Actually, we've decided to bypass frustration and impatience altogether and move on to laughter, tolerance and accommodation.

Laughter allows us to substitute a positive, shared emotion for the more negative feelings that usually accompany the changes we are experiencing. Tolerance is an attitude that helps us treat ourselves and each other in a more gentle, forgiving and caring manner. And accommodation has to do with all the things we now do for each other to try to keep our lives running reasonably smoothly.

This includes frequent reminders -necessary or not. These reminders are delivered softly and with a smile. They are not experienced as accusations but as welcomed assistance.

There is not really a lot we can do about our memory challenges. We can, however, keep them from becoming challenges for our marriage. That's a goal we can remind each other of daily.

• The Rev. Ken Potts is a pastoral counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers, Naperville and Downers Grove.