Encourage curiosity in your children

My son slept with vegetables. This is no joke

It all started 18 summers ago on vacation. Each afternoon, Alex would accompany his Aunt Vicki out to the garden to pick fresh tomatoes and cucumbers. We thought it was rather cute: a 3-year-old getting in touch with nature, learning that the good food we eat doesn't just magically appearing the bins at Dominick's.

We didn't think much of it until that fall. Alex was enthusiastic about bringing in the vegetables from our small garden. He carefully placed them in plastic containers and carried them with him wherever he went. Including to bed. Right down there next to his teddy bear, puppy dog and stuffed hippo he included three green tomatoes, two small pumpkins and a variety of squash.

I must admit that our first response was what you might expect. It was probably what most parents would say. Something like, "You can't take vegetables to bed!" But we took a minute to think about it. We decided to go along and see what happened. I'm glad we did.

Alex not only slept with his vegetables, but talked to them as well (and, yes, this did spook us out a bit). He told them how they were grown, why they were picked and how good they were to eat. Time and time again, he would set them out in neat rows, examine each one, notice their similarities and differences.

Eventually our son found other interests, other "facts of life" to master (and he probably also figured out that vegetables make rather prickly bedtime companions).

Fortunately we had resisted the temptation to stifle his curiosity and autonomy. We had encouraged him to continue to explore his world his way, even if his methods of exploration did not quite fit into our adult preconceptions of "normal" behavior.

Now a 21-year-old college senior, Alex continues to be delightfully curious about the world around him (though he probably wouldn't go near a garden even if you paid him).

It's a temptation we parents face frequently. Our 17-year-old tells us that he is sure he can fix up the beater he wants to buy. Our 13-year-old reassures us that she really is committed enough to enroll in three dance classes. Our 10-year-old insists that he is sure he can study schoolwork and watch television at the same time. Our 6-year-old announces that she is building an ant farm in the back yard. Our 3-year-old wants to sleep with vegetables.

Now, as adults we "know" that such ideas, dreams or plans often won't work out. And we certainly could save our children some struggle and disappointment if we just stepped in and took over.

But we would also save them from learning. And we would undercut their interest in their world, their sense of independence, their feelings of mastery.

I'm not suggesting that we simply go along with whatever our children want. Returning to the examples above, we may agree to our son's purchase of a car, but that doesn't mean we ought to let him take it apart in the driveway. When our daughter begins to look exhausted, it's time to have a talk about too much of a good thing. A flunked test or two is a signal that we need to get involved in shaping our son's study habits. The ants need to stay in the yard. And vegetables do eventually ripen.

Similarly, sometimes we do need to exercise our parental power quickly and forcibly. When our children's ideas, dreams or plans threaten their safety and security, or the safety and security of others, it is our job as parents to get involved.

We may let our 3-year-old sleep with squash, but we're not going to let him climb the oak tree. We ought to give our 13-year-old dancer the opportunity to learn about her physical limits by doing a bit of experimenting, but that's not the way for her to learn about sex. You get the idea.

It's hard to say what directions our children's curiosity and love of learning will take them. Let's just hope we have the presence of mind to let them go, and perhaps even go along ourselves at times. Though I doubt if I'll ever take up sleeping with vegetables, I am considering taking dance lessons. Who knows? Maybe it's true that you're never too old to learn.

• The Rev. Ken Potts is a pastoral counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers, Naperville and Downers Grove.