Punishment is common, but not best way to motivate kids

Our child sits listlessly at the kitchen table, school books open, papers spread out, pencil in hand, and mind who knows where.

We have to remind ourselves - we all agreed there'd be no going out to play until homework is done. It sure looks nice outside, though, and we'd really like to just let him off the hook. But we know we'd just be sabotaging our own discipline. We decide we'll just have to do something to motivate our child to do better.

But what? That's the hard part for most parents. Probably our first inclination is to threaten our children with some sort of punishment for not meeting their responsibilities.

"If you don't get that finished, there'll be no TV tonight." Or, "No Facebook time for you!" Or, "There goes your cell phone privileges!" We have to admit, however, that such an approach does not exactly light a fire under our children. Often they just seem more frustrated (and if they aren't, we soon are).

Punishment as a way of motivating is a fairly common strategy for parents. In order to get our children to do, or not to do, certain things, we threaten them with consequences that we hope are unpleasant enough they will comply with our wishes.

Though punishment is sometimes appropriate as a way of teaching or disciplining children, it is not much of a motivator. If we think about it, it doesn't motivate us adults very well either.

Imagine, for example, that it's time for our annual review at work. Our boss discusses with us our current performance: we're not setting any records, but we're doing OK. Then she lays out her expectations for the next year: a 10 percent increase in sales.

But there is a bit of a surprise that goes along with her demands. To motivate us to do better, we will take a $1,000 cut in salary for every percentage point we fall short of our goal. And if we achieve, or even exceed our goal, we'll get to stay at our current salary level.

Faced with such an "offer," most of us would probably start job hunting real soon. Punishment not only wouldn't motivate us, we'd be downright angry as well.

Our children aren't all that different from us. If we sometimes want them to do better than "good enough," they'll work a lot harder with the offer of a reward rather than the threat of a punishment.

Rewards motivate for a number of reasons. First, they spark our interest (rather than our resentment). Second, they affirm our worth by implying that we want to do well (rather than implying we want to somehow shirk our duties). And third, they create an alliance: we and our children are on the same side (rather than pitting parent/punisher against child/wrongdoer).

Let's go back to our opening example. Our child will probably get her homework - let's say a book report - done. And he will get a passing grade. But we'd like to see him finish early in order to have a bit of extra play time, and we believe he could get a B or even an A if he just tried a bit harder.

"I'll tell you what," we begin. "I know you'll get that report done because we agreed you'd finish your homework right after school. It's such a nice day, I'd really like to see you have a chance to enjoy it. If you'll finish by 4:30, I'll look over your work, and if there are no mistakes, you can stay out all the way to supper rather than coming in at 5:30."

There's no guarantee, of course, that our child will finish on time, or not make any mistakes. But we certainly will have sparked his interest. We have also complimented him, and reminded him in the process that we're on his side.

Reward can't be used all the time (and don't worry, our children won't expect that it will be). But the more we make use of it, the more motivated our children will be. And, I suspect, the more we'll enjoy being parents.