Sharing a person's pain can help them heal
A story - true - was told to me by a friend.
Seems he was standing outside a local restaurant that was offering helium balloons to children on their birthdays. Out stepped a family with two young girls - twins - each holding tightly to a brightly colored balloon.
A moment later he heard a child crying loudly from the nearby parking lot. Turning, he saw one of the girls staring tearfully after her balloon, which was rapidly ascending into the sky.
Her twin, obviously troubled, seemed to be searching for some way to comfort her sister. Suddenly she reached over, took her sibling's hand, and then let go of her own balloon.
The first girl stopped crying. The two stood together and watched the wind carry the balloons together out of sight. Eventually they climbed into the back seat of the family car, still holding hands.
What to do with this tale. I can think of three ways to understand what happened.
First, using an idea out of relational psychology, we could say that the second girl "reframed" what was happening. You know, there really is something rather delightful about watching a balloon slowly wander off, blown this way and that by the winds, growing smaller and smaller until it drifts out of sight.
In letting go of her own balloon, perhaps the sister shifted her twin's attention to the beauty of what they were watching. She helped turn loss into gain, grief into joy.
There is a second way to understand this vignette. Throughout our lives we will see people - often people we care deeply about - who are in pain. Frequently there will be little we can do to stop their pain, to make things better. Sometimes, however, we can help them simply through understanding and sharing their pain.
No one - Mom, Dad, or sister - could return the little girl's balloon to her. No one could make it better. But in taking her hand, in releasing her own balloon, her sister shared her pain and helped her heal.
Third, it strikes me that in giving up her own balloon, the second girl received a great deal in return. She felt closer to her sister. They would share a memory of something special, something beautiful. And she could be proud of herself and the way she showed her love for her twin. Her gift to her sister, then, was in reality a gift to herself as well.
Whatever way we understand this modern parable, there is a common thread. We ought to never underestimate the power of relationships. Whether it is in offering a new understanding, or simply sharing the pain, we do make a difference in other people's lives. And in doing so, they make a difference in ours.
• The Rev. Ken Potts is a pastoral counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers, Naperville and Downers Grove.