Just let kids be kids

It probably wasn't the smartest idea to begin with, but they were hungry. It had been a long day, and it was supposed to be a good restaurant. So there they sat, two sets of parents and five children in one of the more expensive eateries in town.

Perhaps the older three children, teenagers, appreciated the spectacular view of the skyline, the immaculate table presentation, the crisp service. The younger two, ages 2 and 5, did not seem all that impressed.

As a veteran parent myself, I have a lot of sympathy for anyone who attempts to navigate kids this age through a multicourse sit-down dinner in a nice restaurant. Actually, when our kids were little we pretty much gave up on the idea; our family dining out tended to be confined to places with children's menus and crayons.

As I watched this group from the next table, however, what impressed me was these parents' willingness to let their children be children. Perhaps they had already concluded that their choice of restaurants was not the best considering the ages of their party. Or maybe they just had attained that state of parental wisdom when they understood and accepted their children for who they are and what they can and cannot do.

When the 2-year-old launched a piece of bread across the table with an age-appropriate squeal of delight, his mom simply picked it up and returned it to his plate, with a gently request that he keep his food grounded in the future. And the 5-year-old, who had fallen sound asleep with his head on the table soon after they sat down, was left undisturbed for almost the entire meal. When he did awaken, his dad helped his groggy son with his meal rather than scolding him for sleeping through it.

The teens were likewise accommodated. And though they picked at their food and made veiled references to the culinary superiority of a nearby burger joint, their parents let them be.

As I watched this multitude leave, I was struck by how relaxed they all seemed, how happy they appeared to be. What could have been a stress-filled experience for both parents and children had been transformed into yet another pleasant memory for their families. And all this because the adults had allowed their children to be children.

I'm not suggesting that we put no limits on our children's behavior, or that we have no need to teach them appropriate social skills. I am pointing out, however, that our limits and teaching must be based on a realistic assessment of what each of our children can handle at his or her unique stage of development. There will be times, as in the scene described here, when we must accept our children for who they are, even if we want them to be someone different.

Next time out these parents may actually choose a burger joint with crayons at each table. Whatever they do, they sure know a lot about being parents.

• The Rev. Ken Potts is a pastoral counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers, Naperville and Downers Grove. His book, "Take One A Day," can be ordered at local bookstores or online.