Young adults need to grow up before getting married

There are all kinds of good reasons to live together or get married - love, friendship, romance, sex, to have children, shared interests, views and goals, etc. Most couples seem to have come together for a number of these (and other similar) reasons.

There are also, unfortunately, a number of not so good reasons. One in particular is common among younger couples and usually makes for a very shaky foundation for their relationship. I'm talking about using living together (LTG) or marriage as a way to leave home.

One of the primary developmental tasks of young adults (and, consequently, a task of their families) is to become independent. This independence encompasses a variety of areas - establishing their own residences, being responsible for their own expenses, organizing their own time, choosing their own relationships, and so on.

As anybody who has tried it realizes, it's a tough job. Simply declaring our independence (something teenagers do quite readily, but usually prematurely) is only the first step in the hard climb to true independence. And with the decreasing wages available in entry level jobs and the increasing cost of living, more and more young adults are finding the climb can take well into their 20s to complete.

Of course, it's not just money that makes such independence difficult. For example, we need to have mastered a good many life skills to be responsible for ourselves. Whether it is cleaning/cooking/clothes laundering or maintaining a healthy routine of sleep, work and play, a healthily independent life takes certain life management skills.

Independence also means we have to be able to tolerate some aloneness. Though we do not emotionally cut ourselves off from our families, we do create some distance. And in doing this, we not only need to believe that we can deal with this distance, we have to believe that our families can as well. If we suspect that we or our families will fall apart if we leave, we probably won't.

Similarly, it also requires that our families let go. Our parents need to be able to say, "We've done our job, not it's your turn." They also need to believe they (and their marriages) will survive without us. If they don't, they will try (though often unconsciously) to prevent our growing up.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, we need the self-confidence to believe we have the various resources required for independence. It takes a good dose of self-worth to risk launching out from our family nest.

What does all this have to do with LTG or marriage? Well, it seems like a lot of young adults use LTG or marriage as a short cut out of the house. Oh, not that they'd admit to this. In fact, most are not even aware they're doing it. But the reality is that it happens far more than anyone realizes.

At first glance, it does look pretty good. LTG or marriage can provide two incomes and we have somebody to come home to. LTG or marriage also gives us a legitimate reason to try to distance ourselves from our families. And marriage gives us somebody to lean on - we may not believe in ourselves, but we can count on (we think) our partners to rescue us from our own shortcomings.

Of course, all this usually gets glossed over with a good deal of romance. Yet, the plaintive cry of young lovers "I can't live without you," may be more true than they realize, for behind it is the suspicion that they really can't live as adults without each other.

So what's the problem? The trouble with all this is that there are no shortcuts to growing up. Until we can comfortably and responsibly live independently, we can't really do so in relationships. We wind up bringing into our relationships all the unfinished business of our growing up.

As all this goes on beneath the surface, and often outside of our own and everybody else's awareness, it plays havoc with our new relationships. We are so caught up in the unfinished business of growing up we don't tend to the business of LTG or marriage.

It's no wonder that persons who live together or get married in their late teens and early 20s have the highest break-up rate of any age group.

Living together or getting married can be a deeply rewarding and fulfilling relationship for two adults. But it is not for kids. So if we find ourselves feeling trapped in our families and unable to grow up, we need to remember that living together or getting married is definitely not "the great escape."

• The Rev. Ken Potts is a pastoral counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers.