Good marriages tend to focus on the positive

Ever notice those couples who seem to just get along?

It's not that they don't have differences and disagreements, but somehow they find a way to get over them pretty quickly and easily. In fact, most of the time, maybe even almost all of the time, they act like they really enjoy being together.

All couples have issues - often difficult issues - to deal with. Some of them have to do with simple personality differences. Others have to do with differing needs, expectations, hopes, values and lifestyle choices. Whatever the source, dealing with issues is a challenge all marriages face.

Some couples, though, certainly seem to do a better job of dealing with their issues than others do. Somehow they have found a way to consistently create an overall positive and rewarding marital environment.

What's the secret to such marriages? Actually, it's not much of a secret at all. Healthy couples maintain a positive "balance" in their "relational bank account."

Think of all the ways we choose to interact in our marriages. We go out for a night on the town. We spend a quiet evening at home. We watch our kid's soccer match. We put our heads together to sort out the family budget. We cuddle in front of the TV. We go for a walk. We clean the garage. We take a vacation.

If we were asked to, we could sort these interactions into those that are generally positive (ones that generate comfortable or enjoyable feelings, ones that bring us closer together) and those that are generally negative (ones that generate uncomfortable feelings we'd rather avoid, ones that drive us apart).

It's not really the interaction itself that is positive or negative. Cleaning the garage can be a positive for our marriage if we work well together. It can be a negative if we don't. It all has to do with how we feel about what we're doing together.

With me so far? Imagine, then, that each positive interaction makes a "deposit" in our relational bank account. On the other hand, imagine that each negative interaction makes a withdrawal.

OK, here's the key to building and maintaining a positive and rewarding marital environment: positive interactions (deposits) need to significantly outweigh negative interactions (withdrawals). Some researchers - John Gottmann being the best known - suggest that positives actually need to outweigh negatives by a ratio of four or five to one!

Why such a lopsided ratio? Well, first it seems negative interactions have a more powerful impact on us than positive interactions do. Second, life in generally throws a lot of negatives at our marriage; we need a good positive balance to cope with these when they occur.

To choose so many more positive interactions in our marriage than negative interactions is a real challenge, especially with all the other things we have going on. And sometimes our marriage can become so negatively focused that it is hard to choose to be positive at all.

It is going to take a concentrated effort - and plenty of time, energy, and persistence - on both partner's parts to consistently choose to create the positive balance we need. We also have to learn to get pretty good at conflict management and problem solving if we are going to get the negatives under control.

Remember, though, there is a payoff for all this effort. With such a positive balance, everything benefits. The good times are better; the not-so-good times are easier to get through. We enjoy being with each other. We become one of those couples other people look at and ask "how do they do that?"

So how's your relational bank balance?

• The Rev. Ken Potts is a pastoral counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers, Naperville and Downers Grove.