We need to find (and lose) heroes

Heroes - we've all had them. Athletes, actors, political leaders, soldiers, pastors, physicians, parents - heroes are the people we look to as examples who express qualities or act in ways we would like to emulate.

Heroes are especially important for children. Much of who we become in life depends on the adults we seek to model ourselves after when we are young. My heroes were my grandfather, who seemed to be able to fix anything; Tom Swift, a fictional character who was a cross between a scientist and the Lone Ranger; and my pastor, who was my ideal as a minister and counselor. I can see bits and pieces of all three in who I am as an adult. Now, as children we live in a world of blacks and whites, rights and wrongs, goods and evils. For children, heroes can do no wrong - at least, not and remain heroes. They live lives that are without fault, blemish, or error. Heroes are "superhuman."

It needs to be that way. When we are young, we simply do not have the cognitive or mental ability to deal with the real world - a world in which even those we admire most have their imperfections, character flaws, make mistakes. To feel reasonably safe and secure, we need to believe that the world and the people in it are just as they appear to be. It is only as we grow much older that we develop enough confidence in our own ability to take care of ourselves that we can tolerate the world and people not being perfect.

Of course, some of us never develop such self-confidence and we spend our lives looking for heroes to take care of us, reassure us, and guide us. To some extent we remain perpetual children in our need for such idealized figures in our lives.

On the other hand, some of us are so disillusioned by our growing awareness of the humanness of our heroes that we give up on people all together. As there are no perfect heroes, than we lose our faith that anyone can be admirable, virtuous, inspiring.

There is an alternative. We can still have heroes in our lives if we accept that heroes are not people who are without fault, blemish, or error. There are no such people, period. There are, however, people who we can admire and seek to emulate despite their imperfections, character flaws and mistakes.

As far as I am concerned, that is what it means to be a hero: to act heroically despite our humanity; to care when it is tempting to try not to feel; to hold beliefs that may not be popular; to speak out for what we think is right; to act when we are perhaps frightened or alone. Such are heroes - or at least heroes for adults.

As children we need to find heroes. And we need to lose them. But losing the heroes of our childhood does not mean we must give up heroes altogether. We just need to change our definition.

And a funny thing may happen in the process. For if we accept that heroes are not perfect, than we may also be able to see the heroic in our own imperfect selves. Too often we are so aware of our own faults, blemishes, errors, that we cannot see our feelings, beliefs, words, and actions that are, in fact, heroic.

Heroes - they are all around us, perhaps even within us.

The Rev. Ken Potts is a pastoral counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers, Naperville and Downers Grove. His book, "Take One A Day," can be ordered at local bookstores or online.