Lincicome: NFL predictions? Yes, I have some

What kind of pro football season will it be? Don’t get me started. On second thought...

I predict new Bears coach Ben Johnson will be required to wear a name tag that says, “Hello, I am not Matt Ebeflus, thank God.”

Caleb Williams’ intangibles will be the first to go.

I predict Aaron Rodgers will calcify.

I predict that not only will a Bears defensive back intercept a pass, but he will take it home and have it mounted.

The over/under on the pending marriage of Kansas City tight end Travis Kelce to the girl in the press box window Taylor Swift is seven and a half.

Detroit pass rusher Aidan Hutchison will get so embarrassed helping Caleb Williams to his feet and mumbling, “oops,” he will blush.

Green Bay coach Matt LaFleur will be asked to wear a Cheesehead to postgame interviews.

I predict that former generational talent Justin Fields will take to the Jets like a teenager to chores.

Game analyst Tom Brady will phone in clueless.

The just-missed-the-first-down-by-inches pass reception will be renamed the Cole Kmet.

Ben Johnson will turn the Bears around because he can’t stand to look at them.

The Bears will move to the suburbs, Soldier Field will be renamed Memorial Park for what might have been, and a special corner will have a sign saying “Shh. Quarterbacks died here.”

I predict Bears cornerback Tyrique Stevenson will try to rip off his helmet and find he can’t get it out of his rear end.

Ravens quarterback Lamar Jackson will stop trying to get the monkey off his back and go ahead and just name it Flopsy.

I predict there will be no stopwatch for DJ Moore’s veteran leadership.

Ryan Poles will try to wipe that smirk off his face and find that, as his mother warned him, it froze like that.

A silhouette of Bears center Drew Dalman will be mistaken for North Dakota.

I predict that the 49ers’ Christian McCaffrey will try to comeback and will be caught from behind.

I predict more puns on D’Andre Swift’s name than on Montez Sweat’s.

I predict Terry Bradshaw will consider swallowing a moment of silence.

The network with the best NFL pregame show will be asked to clean up after the rodeo.

The NFL kickoff rules will require a Dummies Guide to NFL Kickoff Rules.

The plan that considers adding even more games and more teams to the NFL will be judged a violation of the U.S. Constitution, not that it means anything these days.

The Bears will keep turning over rocks until they find a left tackle.

I predict no mention of Caitlin Clark after Halloween.

Rookie receiver Luther Burden III will demand to have his bench seat padded.

I predict the Bears offensive line will work together and publish a diet plan called “Life Between Meals.”

End zone celebrations will audition for a You Tube segment called “America’s Got Goofs.”

Thinking the Super Bowl is in the tropics, the nation’s press will celebrate and be too hung over to work.

Realizing the Super Bowl is in New Orleans, the nation’s press will celebrate and be too hung over to work.

The NFL will add a franchise in Hawaii, dress them in aloha shirts and make the team slogan Pride and Poi.

Joe Burrow will officially replace Dan Marino as the best quarterback to never win the big game.

The Bears defensive line will pose for the cover of “Where the Wild Things Used to Be.”

Chargers coach Jim Harbaugh will admit it is all somebody else’s fault

Braxton Jones will throw a block and consider it a season.

I predict Dennis Allen will convince Ben Johnson that running backwards and waiting is innovative defense.

The Bears will not run for as many yards this season as the Bears’ defense will allow in the first game. In the first half of the first game. In the first quarter…

The twice a season Caleb Williams/Jordan Love showdown should be better than seconds on pie.

Minnesota will prepare for its appearance on Monday Night Football against the Bears by bringing pot luck.

By the third game Caleb Williams will be required by the Bears to wear spigots on his helmet marked “hot” and “hopeless.”

I predict that George McCaskey’s prediction that the Bears are back will be considered nuttier than any of mine.