Carolyn Hax: Off-script officiant steals couple’s thoughtful show

Q: I got married several months ago. My spouse and I put a ton of time, energy and thought into the planning, and the weekend itself was all we had hoped. The only hiccup was that our officiant went off the rails a bit, making off-color jokes, emphasizing our flaws, sharing intimacies we had shared in confidence with them, and adding embellishments that weren’t true.

Here’s my challenge — several friends bring up our rogue officiant whenever our wedding comes up, mentioning how the officiant’s remarks were the most memorable part of the weekend and how it was funny to imagine how horrified my spouse and I must have been in the moment.

These comments make me sad (why couldn’t these friends remember one of the seemingly millions of things we spent so much time thinking about?); frustrated (why do these friends keep bringing it up, over and over?); and embarrassed (why did the officiant say these things?).

I have tried to laugh it off, but friends’ comments still sting just as much. I am also increasingly struggling to remember the weekend for its many joyful moments.

My spouse sees where I’m coming from but finds it easier to shrug off the bumpy bits and celebrate the joys of our new married life together.

How do I let it go, too?

— Off the Rails

A: I understand, you took great care to paint your Sistine Chapel.

But you had to know the guy who defaced it would make all the headlines.

On the surface, this doesn’t make anything better, I’m sorry. But it hints at a coping strategy that’s applicable beyond this one event, or planned events in general. That’s because each plot point in your story is really about the amount of control you have.

First, planning your wedding: big control.

Then, verbally incontinent officiant: little control.

Afterward, friends’ reactions: Human nature got them buzzing, like I said. So, beyond your control. And kind of beyond theirs.

Next, your response to friends’ comments: interesting twist. You, careful orchestrator of “millions of things,” are now … passively trying to wish a new outcome into being. Huh. You “tried” laughing. Now your joy is collapsing under this one pain?

From a few steps back, it looks as if you thought you had all the control, got brutally upstaged — then, in defeat, gave up on having any kind of control.

By contrast, your spouse appears to live in the middle. Plan as much as you can, then let ’er rip.

If that’s where you want to be, then there are useful takeaways throughout this hard wedding experience.

For things you expect to control, admit how little you actually can. So, sure, put “time, energy and thought” into plans — but see it as planning ONLY the set, or the canvas. Then accept that people will do what they do against your backdrop.

For times you feel powerless, know there are always chances to have some say.

Write to your officiant, for example, expressing your dismay and urging them to check with future couples before venturing off-script.

Or when friends rehash this for the nth time, instead of fake-laughing or silently hoping they’ll drop it: “Rubbernecking, still?!” Playfully — but then cop to the real frustration. Let friends be friends by telling them what you need.

As for your joy, don’t concede it to stubborn “hiccups.” Learn to laugh, or spin your stories your way, or apply your wiser self to new plans, where you indemnify yourself against off-script people by not even hoping to script them.

To seize your agency — and only yours — is a powerful way to let go.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.

© 2025 The Washington Post