Helping mentally ill young adults: Parents are not powerless

The young man, who had been successful academically and socially in high school, returned from college changed kid.

His parents put it down to anxiety and exhaustion, but soon it became apparent something much more serious was going on. He was experiencing a mental health episode that, left unaddressed, could worsen. His terrified parents didn’t know what to do, so, hoping it would pass, they allowed him to remain at home.

This isn’t an uncommon occurrence. A child who functions well socially and academically can develop a mental illness as a young adult, generally between the ages of 18 and 25, possibly exacerbated by recreational drug and alcohol use.

Parents may be afraid to get involved because of the stigma associated with mental illness, or because they think it will magically go away. But rather than let a child in the midst of a mental health crisis retreat, parents must take action, no matter how frightening or difficult it may seem.

Here are five things parents can and should do.

1. Start a discussion about mental health before a crisis sets in.

It’s important to remember that a young adult’s brain is still developing. The prefrontal cortex — which is responsible for higher executive functions such as thinking, reasoning, memory, impulse control and emotional stability — isn’t fully formed until around the age of 27.

The good news is that mental health and mental illness are out in the open as topics of discussion. There is more awareness among middle- and high-schoolers, who are more able to identify mental health challenges in themselves and their friends and more willing to ask for help.

Also, having a mental or emotional challenge doesn’t carry the stigma it used to, although social stigma is still out there. When Simone Biles withdrew from the 2020 Olympics because of her mental health, she received a lot of kudos and support, but also blistering condemnation for “weakness.”

2. Don’t ignore the role marijuana is playing in a child’s mental health.

Just because pot is legal in a lot of states doesn’t mean it’s safe for everyone to use. This is not the weed parents used when they were in college. The potency of THC in cannabis has increased from an average of 3% in the 1980s to an average of 25% today, and some strains can contain as much as 90% THC.

It’s understandable that anxious teens and young adults seek to self-medicate. After all, they have been through a lot of trauma, including the shutdown of schools during COVID, bullying, school shootings, social media addiction, campus protests and violence and more.

The National Institutes of Health reports that cannabis use is likely to increase the risk of developing schizophrenia and other psychotic illnesses. Anyone with a pre-existing mental health condition are at greater risk for a serious mental illness. Heavy users are more likely to report thoughts of suicide, and regular use is thought to increase the risk of social anxiety disorder.

A young adult still needs guardrails. A parent can have conversations with their child that sound like this: “Look, your brain is still developing. Here are the facts about pot today and why it may not be safe for you to use.”

3. If the child does exhibit signs of a mental illness, don’t let them retreat.

Parents end up doing everything for their adult child because the child appears helpless and they want to do whatever they can to keep them safe. There are ways parents can intervene, by saying, “We are not accepting you living this way” and exerting financial leverage.

A young adult should be able to accept adult responsibilities to have structure in their lives. If they want to eat, they need to grocery shop and prepare their own food. If they want cleanliness, they need to take showers and wash their own clothes. If they want spending money, they need to find a job — any job. If they take meds, they need to manage them.

If they can’t, the parent can see the child needs help. It’s irresponsible to allow it to go on: “I see you’re trying, but you can’t manage the activities of daily living. Let’s get you help.”

And that’s when it’s time to …

4. Seek support.

If a child has an intellectual or physical disability, it’s usually apparent at a young age and families can begin to seek resources. When a previously successful young adult child begins exhibiting troubling signs of mental illness, it comes as a shock to parents. It’s important to find correct resources in a timely manner.

And the resources are out there. You’re not the only family going through this, so it’s OK to ask around, “Do you know any good therapists or psychiatrists?” Start Googling and you will find webinars, books and names of family support services.

If the child won’t sign a HIPAA release allowing the parents to speak to health care providers, that’s no reason why the parents can’t speak with the providers and tell them what they see — even if the provider can’t speak to them. Providers can only work with the information they’re given.

5. Prepare for the future.

With the proper care and resources, most mental illness challenges can be managed, allowing the child to live the life they deserve.

But the fact is that many parents will need to provide some measure of support to the child for years into the future. It’s also a fact that one day, the parents won’t be there anymore and the child’s care, by default, may fall to siblings who have jobs, families and concerns of their own.

Parents should share all of what’s going on with the child’s siblings — what therapies and meds are working or not working, what doctors have been seen, what supports are in place. Parents also need to prepare for the care of the child by establishing a Special Needs Trust, powers of attorney, advance directives for health care and mental health care, and supportive housing. It may be necessary to petition for guardianship.

While you’re bubble-wrapping your child in services and support, get support for yourself, too, by working with a mental health coach or family therapist.

An adult child with a mental illness is not the child the parents thought they would have. It’s not easy to raise a mentally ill young adult — in fact, it’s downright scary. No one expects you to have all of the answers, but help is out there.

Bonnie Lane, M.S., is principal consultant with Family Support Services in Northbrook, specializing in supporting families whose loved ones suffer from severe mental illness or substance addiction. Bonnie offers Daily Herald readers a free consultation at (847) 651-1554 or bonnielane@thefamilysupportservices.com.