Carolyn Hax: In-law snooped in confidential files. Spouse has ‘no response.’
Q: An in-law visited us and snooped through personal financial data. How do I know? He went running, came back covered in sweat, then stood in front of files while an accumulation of his sweat formed a puddle on my floor.
I shared this with my spouse, who had no response. But I no longer trust the relative nor want him to stay in our house.
Should I bring the issue up with the relative?
— Anonymous
A: 1. Gross.
2. Unmopped sweat pools alone are cause not to invite this person back. And I’ve said if I ever start a lifestyle brand, it’ll be called Septic Living — just to put a yuck from me in perspective.
3. I am less interested in the issue of approaching the relative than I am in the issue of “no response” from your spouse. Never OK.
How did you react to this silence or deflection: “Hello?” “knock-knock,” “I’m mellltinggg?” You can’t make someone communicate, yes, but you can absolutely communicate your thoughts on the non-communication. “I’m concerned about [in-law], so I’d appreciate some form of an answer.”
If you still get nothing, and if you decide approaching the in-law yourself is the way to go — I can’t gauge the wisdom of that without more context — then you can communicate what you intend to do absent any communication from your spouse. “OK then, unless you say otherwise, I’ll talk to [in-law] directly.”
4. If clear self-advocacy is not your style, and if “no response” is your spouse’s style, then I hope you agree this combination in a marriage is a lot more concerning than a snoopy guest (and slightly more than a puddling one).
How effectively you both respond to challenges and address each other’s concerns is the daily substance of marriage. So do follow through with consequences for your grossly inappropriate/inappropriately gross in-law, yes — but also use this opportunity to assess and adjust how you advocate for yourself within your marriage. Because you don’t want poor communication habits to leave your marriage in a puddle on the floor.
Q: Although our childhood was privileged in many ways, there was deep emotional abuse for all and some physical abuse for my brother. Others have repaired the relationship after years of counseling, but, for his own emotional health, my brother has recently cut off all contact with my father.
When the rest of us get together with our father in our small town, this one brother feels sad and alone. I’m trying to remain transparent about our activities/holidays/vacations, but don’t want to add to his hurt. So I tend to be vague on the details of what we do. This feels sneaky and also protective. Both feel wrong. What is the best way to approach this?
— Balancing Act
A: With your brother’s guidance. Why try to guess? It’s about supporting him, so ask him how he would define that. Say explicitly that you care more about not adding to his pain than about how much you share.
I do wonder if his “sad and alone” has a component of “not OK with the idea of sibling activities/holidays/vacations centered on his abuser.” You do say you all suffered your parents’ abuse (awful, I’m sorry) — but he suffered extra. That’s a powerful thing to sit with while everyone else breaks bread with the Dadster.
If you’re not doing this already, then consider having at least as many brother-friendly “activities” as dad-friendly ones. That, to me, feels right.
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