Jim O'Donnell: NFL lords trying to prompt laughter at growing public perception of on-field fantasy
A FEW WEEKS AGO, the National Football League announced the debut of "a humorous brand campaign" for the 2023 season titled "You Can't Make This Stuff Up."
The idea is to debunk the growing number of clear-headed mainstreamers who think the league doctors outcomes.
Who'd think that?
That would be like presupposing the "Barbie" sequel will whiz through enlightenment and self-discovery from a doll-power point of entry.
SO THURSDAY NIGHT, the defending Super Bowl champion Kansas City Chiefs and star QB Patrick Mahomes were upset at home, 21-20, by those humorous Lions (+4) from Detroit.
The game "came with an asterisk," according to milquetoast NBC shill Mike Tirico, because Andy Reid and KC were without star TE Travis Kelce and All-Pro down lineman Chris Jones.
Since Tirico said it, that's got to be as gospel as a Kremlin vote count.
TODAY, THE BEARS OPEN their season with a "showcase rivalry" game vs. Green Bay (3:25 p.m., FOX, AM-1000, ).
A betting soul might project that just like KC-DET, the Bears-Packers will hold TV audience until deep into the fourth quarter - whatever it takes.
And to put a madcap exclamation point on the matinee, maybe Justin Fields can generate a humorous turnover late to enable Jordan Love and Co. to preserve a laugh-riot win at Soldier Field.
Or vice versa.
DIRE TIDINGS TO SOME, for sure.
But you can't make this stuff up.
Right?
Or else Mike Tirico might have to put another acquiescing asterisk by it.
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ALSO FROM THE NFL'S "MAKE ME LAUGH" VAULT, the Bears-GB will be the first regular-season game on the McMunch Bunch's new radio home of ESPN-AM (1000).
The desperation marriage is truly a match made in radio hell.
Even by bottom-belching Chicago sports talk standards, AM-1000 should be declared a disaster area. Rescue beeps from FEMA searchers would be more compelling audio.
With the exception of Tom Waddle and seasonal add-on Lance Briggs, AM-1000 has no Bears-relevant talent.
The roster reads like castoffs from the annual variety show at Spiro T. Agnew Middle School.
BUT THE INAUGURAL OPENS a window to recall a great tale about why Mike McCaskey yanked the team's radio rights from WGN-AM (720) in favor of WMAQ-AM (670) back in the winter of 1996-97:
Among other things, McCaskey was miffed because WGN-AM bosses declined to make him the regular substitute host for the erudite Milt Rosenberg on the nightly "Extension 720."
McCaskey guest-hosted a few times and tanked. When satirist Harry Shearer ("SNL," "Spinal Tap," "Le Show") was tabbed to fill in, he was outraged and took his football team to an interim radio home.
You can't make this stuff up.
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HOW LONG IS JOEL QUENNEVILLE supposed to keep dog paddling?
News that Quenneville and former Blackhawks GM Stan Bowman addressed a full meeting of NHL head coaches and general managers in Rosemont Friday "about lessons learned" continued to turn the inquiry sign toward the ways and the mean spirit of commissioner Gary Bettman.
Bettman has had Quenneville and Bowman in an undeclared exile from the league since news of a sexual abuse scandal involving the Blackhawks broke 23 months ago.
A strong suggestion can be made that their implied punishments have fit any crimes stemming from the sordid Wirtz family staff matter
REGARDING QUENNEVILLE, the key focus is no longer the sincerity of his contrition. It is the extent of Bettman's pomposity.
Bettman will be the first to tell anyone who will listen about his achievements as NHL commissioner. The three players lockouts on his watch would likely be overlooked by The Commissioner.
Quenneville's extended stay in Bettman's weird-winged penalty box should be over.
His three Stanley Cups are a threat to no one in hockey.
Other than the 31 NHL teams that will not have him as their next head coach.
STREET-BEATIN':
Two notable sports moments during Pearl Jam's concert Thursday night at the United Center: 1) A big-screen photo flashed of Dennis Rodman removing his jersey during a Bulls game and handing it to Eddie Vedder's grandmother; and, 2) Vedder announced the planned retirement of Chris Chelios's jersey number by the Blackhawks and encouraged all to chant Rocky Wirtz's name in tribute. "The response was muted at best," said Kathleen Danes, sports editor of The Daily Herald. …
Battle of the "A" teams in today's late-afternoon NFL network window: Kevin Burkhardt and Greg Olsen will call the Bears-Green Bay on FOX; Jim Nantz and the snoozing Tony Romo have the Eagles-Patriots on CBS. (Burkhardt and Olsen will most assuredly carry the eyeballs along the western shores of Lake Michigan.) …
For Dewey Decimal counters, local press-box veterans George Ofman and George Castle are both penning books. The non pareil Mike Conklin - once and forever a master of the sports dot-dot-dot column - has finished "Class Dismissed," the final entry in his Town and Gown mystery series. …
News that the Belmont Stakes will be moving to Saratoga for the next two runnings simply means further diminishment of the classic Triple Crown sequence. Belmont is about to undergo a massive renovation. (Jimmy Hoffa may be found.) New York Racing Association president Dave O'Rourke needs to sharpen his media relations department, furlongs ago one of the best in the land …
And South Side-rooted Mike Taafe, after ordering postseason Cubs jerseys for associates at his Eddie's Lounge in downtown Arlington Heights": "I guess I don't have to worry about the White Sox."
• Jim O'Donnell's Sports and Media column appears each week on Sunday and Thursday. Reach him at jimodonnelldh@yahoo.com. All communications may be considered for publication.