Lincicome: Trying to find an adequate definiton of an athlete

During a bye week, the mind wanders.

If I had bitcoin for every time I've been asked what is an athlete and what is not, I would still need a loan for a latte. Nevertheless ...

No one has ever found an adequate definition for what an athlete is, nothing that satisfies everyone who wants to be known as one.

I always figured an athlete was anyone who sweats on purpose, but fitness centers and spin classes have ruined that definition. And, by the way, riding a stationary bike to nowhere does not make an athlete any more than does riding a moving bike to somewhere.

One official definition of an athlete is as follows: "Someone trained to compete in exercises, sports or games requiring physical strength, agility, stamina and speed."

So, what are we doing with poker players on ESPN? And hot dog eaters? If any of these people are athletes, Tinker Bell is a teamster.

In England, athletes are only those people who take part in track and field. Everyone else is a sportsman, which would include arm wrestlers and pickleballers. Hang gliders, too, I suppose.

In the United States, sportsmen only hunt and fish, and since loading a gun or baiting a hook takes no more effort than opening a book, they certainly are not athletes.

Race car drivers argue the loudest about this question. They insist that they are not chauffeurs, but real athletes, as if they are carrying the car around the track instead of driving it.

I am not so sure that spinning around on ice skates in tights to music requires being an athlete either, but you can do that with or without a partner and have a guy from Rugrats on Ice waiting with a contract when you finish.

In the Olympics, they allow people who shoot with bows and arrows to hang out with hurdlers. Pistol shooters march into the stadium with weightlifters, even though only one of them can lift the other one.

The question before us is, then, what is an athlete?

Auto racers claim to be athletes. So do bowlers, golfers and curlers. But they are not.

Quarterbacks, high jumpers and boxers don't have to discuss whether they are athletes. They just are.

It is easier to figure what an athlete is not than what one is. I have a convenient rule you may borrow if ever you find the need. I am not an athlete. If I can do what they do, they are not athletes either.

Take bowlers. I can roll a strike. I have done it. No bowler can do better than a strike. Bowlers are not athletes.

I could not hit a baseball off any pitcher in the major leagues. I couldn't even foul it. I couldn't throw a baseball past anybody. Baseball players are athletes. Softball players seldom are. I have the pictures.

I can hit a golf ball well enough to make par. I have made birdies and once even made an eagle. No golfer can expect to do better. Golfers are not athletes.

Anything that happens in a pool, whether water polo or synchronized swimming, has a chance to be done by athletes, but simply not drowning does not qualify. On the other hand, anything that happens on a pool table is done by the balls.

I couldn't outrun a defensive lineman or block one. Or catch a pass against a competent cornerback, even one of the Bears'. I cannot throw a football better than anyone except maybe the place-kicker. Football players are athletes. All but place-kickers.

But I can turn left in a car as well as any NASCAR driver.

I have driven a car more than 500 miles without washing it. Auto racers are not athletes.

I couldn't take one punch from a bantamweight without collapsing. Boxers are athletes. I can sail a boat. Yachtsmen are not athletes. I cannot slam-dunk or shoot a basketball in motion. Basketball players are athletes. Three-point shooters pending.

I can lift my weight, or I could. Bodybuilders are not athletes. I could not hit a puck if it were on a tee. Hockey players are.

I can start a horse or stop one, but prefer not to. Jockeys are athletes when the horse is moving.

I have not decided about downhill skiers yet. But joggers are not.